I managed to sidestep a real discussion of the film during my first, admittedly promising, exchange with Jude, but if I’m going to be true to Bree’s personality, I can’t freeze up during topics that are key to her profile. She’s told me more than once she wants to “own her fandom,” and the sooner I get Bree situated, the sooner I can collect a paycheck and a new client.

If you get her situated, you’ll never chat with GreatSc0t again, a little voice replies. It’s the same voice that tried to trick me into taking the subway on Saturday.

Inappropriate, I chastise back. He’s not chatting with “you.” He’s chatting with Bree. And everything you say to him is on her behalf. Still, I’m deluding myself if I pretend it wasn’t fun flirting with a young, gorgeous Scotsman who’s also charming and quick-witted. No one could fault me for that, right?

A spear of doubt lurches through me: What if he’s already found someone else to chat up, and he prefers her? Hurry up and watch the movie, woman!

Still in my pajamas, lying on my couch-bed (freelancing has its perks), I click through the chapter menu on Bree’s DVD, looking for the spot where sleep claimed me, and trying not to wonder if there’s a way to watch the film without, you know, having to watch it. That’s when it hits me: Somewhere, someone has already asked and answered that question. Of course they have! I settle in for a YouTube deep dive, hoping to locate a fan-made summary.

What I discover is quite entertaining.

Twenty minutes later, I log on as Bree and type a message to GreatSc0t:

TheDuchessB: Good morning! I have an extremely important question for you: Have you seen the video where some guy sped up Undersea by 123% or something, and now the dialogue sounds like “West Wing on the Moon”? It’s a whole different experience!

GreatSc0t: Blasphemous! Someone gave Undersea the Chipmunks treatment?

TheDuchessB: Minus the dubious moral lessons of “doing what’s best for the band vs. Alvin’s narcissism.”

A janky tennis ball animation complete with swish noise arrives in a new text bubble. I’m being served by a guy named Andrew. Just “Andrew”? That means he was an early adopter with his pick of usernames, which means he’s been on Game, Set, Match since it started, which is a red flag. Against my better judgment, I click “accept.”

Andrew: What’s up?

TheDuchessB: Not much, you?

Andrew: Do you have pretty feet? And if the answer is yes, I’m about to go to the bar an have a dink, wanna cum?

I clap my hand over my mouth. Is this really happening? When Best Foot Forward got jettisoned as the company name, I figured I was done with this particular population. How naïve I was.