Chapters (25)
- FURTHER FOOLISHNESS
- *
- Contents
- Preface
- FOLLIES IN FICTION
- I - Stories Shorter Still
- II - Snoopopaths; or, Fifty Stories in One
- III - Foreign Fiction in Imported Instalments
- MOVIES AND MOTORS, MEN AND WOMEN
- IV - Madeline of the Movies: A Photoplay Done Back into Words
- V - The Call of the Carburettor, or, Mr. Blinks and His Friends
- VI - The Two Sexes in Fives or Sixes a Dinner-Party Study
- VII - The Grass Bachelor's Guide with Sincere Apologies to the Ladies' Periodicals
- VIII - Every Man and His Friends Mr. Crunch's Portrait Gallery
- IX - More than Twice-Told Tales; or, Every Man His Own Hero
- X - A Study in Still Life—My Tailor
- PEACE, WAR, AND POLITICS
- XI - Germany from Within Out
- XII - Abdul Aziz Has His
- XIII - In Merry Mexico
- XIV - Over the Grape Juice; or, the Peacemakers
- XV - The White House from Without In
- TIMID THOUGHTS ON TIMELY TOPICS
- XVI - Are the Rich Happy?
- XVII - Humour as I See It
Received delegations. From Kansas, on the prospect of the corn crop: they said the number of hogs in Kansas will double. Congratulated them. From Idaho, on the blight on the root crop: they say there will soon not be a hog left in Idaho. Expressed my sorrow. From Michigan, beet sugar growers urging a higher percentage of sugar in beets. Took firm stand: said I stand where I stood and I stood where I stand. They went away dazzled, delighted.
Mail and telegrams. British Admiralty. Torpid Incident. Send further samples. Fragment of valise, parts of cow-hide trunk (dead passenger's luggage) which, they say, could not have been made except in Nevada.
Cabled that the incident is closed and that I stand where I stood and that I am what I am. Situation in Washington relieved at once. General feeling that I shall not make war.
Second Cable from England. The Two New Cases. Claim both ships torpedoed. Offer proofs. Situation very grave. Feeling in Washington very tense. Roosevelt out with a signed statement, What will the President Do? Surely he knows what I will do.
Cables from Germany. Chancellor now positive as to Torpid. Sworn evidence that she was sunk by some one throwing a rock. Sample of rock to follow. Communication also from Germany regarding the New Cases. Draws attention to fact that all of the crews who were not drowned were saved. An important point. Assures this government that everything ascertainable will be ascertained, but that pending juridical verification any imperial exemplification must be held categorically allegorical. How well these Germans write!
THURSDAY. A dull morning. Up early and read Congressional Government. Breakfast. Prayers. We prayed for the United States, for the citizens, for the Congress (both houses, especially the Senate), and for the Cabinet. Is there any one else?
Trouble. Accident to naval flotilla en route to Piccolo Domingo. The new battleship the Woodrow has broken down. Fault in structure. Tried to go with both ends first. Appeared impossible. Went sideways a little and is sinking. Wireless from the barges the Wilson, the Thinker and others. They are standing by. They wire that they will continue to stand by. Why on earth do they do that? Shall cable them to act.
Feeling in Washington gloomy.
FRIDAY. Rose early and tried to sweep out the White House. Had little heart for it. The dust gathers in the corners. How did Roosevelt manage to keep it so clean? An idea! I must get a vacuum cleaner! But where can I get a vacuum? Took my head in my hands and thought: problem solved. Can get the vacuum all right.
Good news. Villa dead again. Feeling in Washington relieved.