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Chapters (25)
  1. FURTHER FOOLISHNESS
  2. *
  3. Contents
  4. Preface
  5. FOLLIES IN FICTION
  6. I - Stories Shorter Still
  7. II - Snoopopaths; or, Fifty Stories in One
  8. III - Foreign Fiction in Imported Instalments
  9. MOVIES AND MOTORS, MEN AND WOMEN
  10. IV - Madeline of the Movies: A Photoplay Done Back into Words
  11. V - The Call of the Carburettor, or, Mr. Blinks and His Friends
  12. VI - The Two Sexes in Fives or Sixes a Dinner-Party Study
  13. VII - The Grass Bachelor's Guide with Sincere Apologies to the Ladies' Periodicals
  14. VIII - Every Man and His Friends Mr. Crunch's Portrait Gallery
  15. IX - More than Twice-Told Tales; or, Every Man His Own Hero
  16. X - A Study in Still Life—My Tailor
  17. PEACE, WAR, AND POLITICS
  18. XI - Germany from Within Out
  19. XII - Abdul Aziz Has His
  20. XIII - In Merry Mexico
  21. XIV - Over the Grape Juice; or, the Peacemakers
  22. XV - The White House from Without In
  23. TIMID THOUGHTS ON TIMELY TOPICS
  24. XVI - Are the Rich Happy?
  25. XVII - Humour as I See It

"Nay, nay," said the Sultan. "Thou hast deserved it. And I will go further. This stranger, too, my governess, this professor, bring also for the professor a bowstring, and a two-bladed knife! All Canada shall rejoice to hear of it. The students shall leap up like young lambs at the honour that will be done. Bring the knife, Toomuch; bring the knife!"

"Abdul," I said, "Abdul, this is too much. I refuse. I am not fit. The honour is too great."

"Not so," said Abdul. "I am still Sultan. I insist upon it. For, listen, I have long penetrated your disguise and your kind design. I saw it from the first. You knew all and came to die with me. It was kindly meant. But you shall die no common death; yours shall be the honour of the double knife—let it be extra sharp, Toomuch—and the bowstring."

"Abdul," I urged, "it cannot be. You forget. I have an appointment to be thrown into the Bosphorus."

"The death of a dog! Never!" cried Abdul. "My will is still law. Toomuch, kill him on the spot. Hit him with the stool, throw the coffee at him—"

But at this moment there were heard loud cries and shouting as in tones of great gladness, in the outer hall of the palace, doors swinging to and fro and the sound of many running feet. One heard above all the call, "It has come! It has come!"

The Sultan looked up quickly.

"Toomuch," he said eagerly and anxiously, "quick, see what it is. Hurry! hurry! Haste! Do not stay on ceremony. Drink a cup of coffee, give me five cents—fifty cents, anything—and take leave and see what it is."

But before Toomuch could reply, a turbaned attendant had already burst in through the door unannounced and thrown himself at Abdul's feet.

"Master! Master!" he cried. "It is here. It has come." As he spoke he held out in one hand a huge envelope, heavy with seals. I could detect in great letters stamped across it the words, WASHINGTON and OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE.

Abdul seized and opened the envelope with trembling hands.

"It is it!" he cried. "It is sent by Smith Pasha, Minister under the Peace of Heaven of the United States. It is the Intervention. I am saved."

Then there was silence among us, breathless and anxious.

Abdul glanced down the missive, reading it in silence to himself.

"Oh noble," he murmured. "Oh generous! It is too much. Too splendid a lot!"

"What does it say?"

"Look," said the Sultan. "The United States has used its good offices. It has intervened! All is settled. My fate is secure."

"Yes, yes," I said, "but what is it?"