I honestly woulda gone pinto bean that night had the ma not been watching me apply it. I stuck to the program and went maybe 3/4-long-grain basmati, rubbing the black oil into my gums like in some ancient ritual.

After washing my feet, I shuffled, on my heels, to the bed my mama had vacuumed around and tidied and made with hotel-room precision.

M had been adamant that I, once I applied the oil-filled-aloe gel topically—into my cuts—just lie down and not move around.

Which I stuck to, save once, around 9:30, to shuffle down to the alley and merk about a quarter of the J I’d almost forgotten I had.

On my way back up, I got a surprise text from V, saying he heard from lil sis that I was in LA. That he was rolling through—he was at the terminus of a family road trip, was seeing his mom and lil bro off at LAX the next day—and was I down to hang.

Yuh hmu! I texted back.

I was KO’d by 10 p.m.

•

I awoke at 1 p.m.

Fifteen hours.

Feeling calm and unfrantic in a way I didn’t trust.

In a way I’d forgotten was a possible way.

The ma was at the Waldorf School, teaching. But had left a note on the kitchen counter directing me to a plate of greens, chicken, beet sauerkraut, Japanese sweet potatoes, and miso dressing. Saran wrapped. In the fridge.

Unreal.

I had a text from V from 30 minutes earlier saying Wya? Lil bro’s flight’s at 5, heading out to Santa Monica now lmk where to meet.

Texted back Wilshire Whole Foods food court.

When they pulled up they were initially stoked.

Then they were still stoked but looked worried also.

Like Yooo…you look…different.

I was posted at a patio table, in the sun, stuffing the wrapper from the ‘vegan’ maple cake donut I’d covertly railed—that I’d copped with my Philly EBT card to go with my coffee and 60 mg roid dose—into the revolving trash can lid that wouldn’t stay open.

Wiping my face of crumbs.

Their arrival adding to the activation of the roids the sugar, the caffeine, were already enacting.

Lil bro was keyed up. Like Yo so we tryna shoot this vid or what?

They’d texted about shooting a music video for one of the songs off the tape V and I had put out just over a year ago, when V was still in Philly. I’d been KO’d so hadn’t seen it till this morning.