A lot of activity on here, even though it was Friday night.

Maybe bc.

Saw an interview with zero likes by the founder of a lit mag I’d submitted to.

With “banned/cancelled American Genius Savage Ckhild.”

Lol what.

I clicked.

Homie had gotten a book accepted to be published by an alt-lit press before getting it revoked. Due to tweets.

Wild tweets.

Possibly/certainly misogynistic tweets.

Damn bruh, #metoo hitting the alt-lit scene too?!

Wild.

After reading the interview, which spoke of a ‘psychotic break’ after the cancellation and a name-change from his government to Savage Ckhild, I stalked his Twitter feed.

His website.

It had a collection of poems and essays that read like diary entries.

Photos I couldn’t unsee, including a full-frontal bathroom nude.

Both savage and childish.

Ckhildish.

Twitter feed full of angry, occasionally poignant one-liners.

At least five a day.

The irreverence.

The sense of something having snapped and so clearing the way for the expression of real, unhindered-by-morality art.

Zero fucks given.

Gotta say, I respected it, even if I felt bad respecting it.

Even if it seemed possibly more a mental health situation.

A lot of talk of alpha and beta maleness.

MRA-type strategies to give no fucks about fucking women in order to, ultimately, fuck women.

About ‘ONE-itis,’ which it took me a sec to figure out the meaning of.

ONE-itis: the affliction of viewing one lady as ‘the one.’

Of viewing one’s romantic arc as destined in one direction.

An offshoot of the Madonna-whore problem.

Did I have it?

It was so seductive, this path.

Give in to the view of sexual attraction as 100% a game.

Of women as mere responders to stimuli, as essentially manipulable, as incapable of acting outside of this framework.

Like volitionally, I mean.

I thought I was sure, that this wasn’t the case, but now I wasn’t.

Gotta think on this one, I thought, putting water on for another coffee.

I’d be lying if I said this didn’t tap directly into what most fucked me up about the whole thing.

About ex bae.

That things, even with her, came down to those immutable rules ‘ONE-itis’ implied.

I’d been aware of such rules, but had dismissed, even ridiculed them.

And to her, specifically.

Had made an aloof stance to the basic rules the rest followed central to our relational identity.

I didn’t need to ‘keep her’ with money and success bc we were above that. My draw was so strong I didn’t care if she flirted with others; if anything, I wanted her to! To reiterate how lit I was.

I didn’t own her; nor she, me.

The polyamory dream: communication can solve all problems.

Only it couldn’t.

Hadn’t.