Then when they diverted from me, once it became clear I didn’t want their attention, and started ranting cheerily about other shit, getting annoyed that they weren’t paying full attention to me.

Talking way too loud.

Like Yo there’re muhfuckers two rooms over yelling in nonstop pain their lives their prospects fucked, tf outta here y’all wilding.

This ain’t a fkn party bro.

I didn’t ask for y’all to pull up.

Except I did.

I needed to stop that shit.

Stop accepting affection/care from others just bc they offered it.

After autonomous bae and P dipped, lowkey panicking.

Not digging being in here all gowned all fucked.

Needed to rally.

To get tf out.

“K first thing next morning gonna.”

Tried to conk, telling the nurse Kill the light.

Lay on my side, tryna calm my tits but sweating scratching.

Rubbed my left arm, suddenly everything warm wet.

Metal smell everywhere.

Hit the nurse button, she came back, flipped the light, red everywhere, a fkng massacre, my IV needle all tangled in my twisted sheets somewhere.

Puddle pooling on the tile floor next to my bed, dripping off the side.

Except it wasn’t the actual nurse.

The last nurse had just left and the next had yet to show.

Only one there the receptionist lady in training.

A novice nurse-to-be, all shook.

Not ready for this gore.

Another of the receptionist ladies mopping all around me, dabbing my mattress of blood.

Me going Aw fuck, aw sheesh, I’m sorry, I don’t even know what.

The training nurse fiddling with the IV, struggling with the package like an overeager teenboy rushing to crack that rubber-wrapper before she changed her mind.

Visibly shook.

Going OK, OK, we got this, I got this.

Something about that energy making me shook.

Recoil.

Go dry.

Like she ain’t gonna be the one to lead me.

She ain’t a daddy, bro.

This bitch wilding.

Then her tryna penetrate me, it not taking.

The more she tried to jam it in, the more my arm, my vein, bein like Nah.

Not into this anymore.

I changed my mind!

I revoke consent.

After butchering her third vein on the same arm, just belligerently blasting all potential holes, the next nurse showed, thank fuck.

She hit me with that calm energy.

True daddy energy is calm.

It says: It’s all good. I got you.

I’ma take the stress so you needn’t.

This time we hit the other side.

Oatmeal for my breakfast take them IVs ambidextrous.

Got it in first try.

•

The last time ex bae let me inside, two winters ago—

Already seeing Z.

Not ‘together’ yet but ‘hanging with.’

Ghosting for up to 48 between question-texts.

Only responding when baited.

Addies, trees, rolls.

Resources her program-mates wouldn’t know where to even start locating.

Couldn’t provide.

I was Man Bun Weed Guy.

The plug.

Nah: the mfkn surge protector.