I walk across the cold hardwood until I reach the edge of his bed. He holds up the edge of the covers and I slip inside, sighing when the heat envelops me. His sheets smell like laundry detergent and cinnamon. I inhale deeply and snuggle against the soft cotton.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“I don’t blame you. The movie was terrible.”

“Pretty sure you were the only one watching.”

His chuckle is low. I feel it as much as I hear it. “Yeah.”

“I’m glad you stayed home tonight.” I second-guess the words as soon as they’re out. I don’t want him to think it’s what I expect. Or that it matters to me he chose to. It’s just another Friday night, but it feels entirely different.

Holden doesn’t answer. He pulls me on top of him and kisses me. I sink into it, into him. This feels different from the hotel. More purposeful, more permanent.

We kiss and kiss. I get lost in the sensation, swimming through the depths of what it feels like to kiss Holden. I try to memorize it, to imprint every touch.

Our hands begin to wander. Mine slide lower and lower, tracing every dip and valley. All he’s wearing is a pair of boxers. It’s easy to slip inside of them and grip his erection. My boldness surprises me, and I think it catches him off guard too.

Holden hisses when I grip his cock. “Fuck, Cassia.”

His breathing grows harsh and fast. Ragged, just like mine. I keep stroking, watching the pleasure play out on his face.

“We don’t have to do this.”

“Do you not want to?” I ask, worried he’s changed his mind.

He laughs, low and unamused. “Of course I want to.”

Holden rolls so he’s above me and kisses me again. He doesn’t seem in any hurry to skip to the sex. He kisses me like it’s the destination instead of the journey. Like it’s a privilege instead of an obligation.

It makes me think of his confession—that I was his first kiss.

He has all of my firsts.

At least I have one of his.

I close my eyes and kiss him back between ragged breaths. I let myself pretend this means something to him. That I mean something to him.

Most of the time, I’m careful to keep a close grip on reality. It’s easier to avoid disappointment if you stick to what you know for sure. But I let myself drift, just for now. I pretend. I let my mind warp the situation into exactly what I want it to mean.

The longer we kiss, the more I experiment. I tug his bottom lip between my teeth. Suck on his tongue. Holden grinds his hips into mine.