Jules is lecturing us on all the benefits of abandoning unhealthy eating habits to cleanse our bodies of toxins, clear our minds of food-induced headaches, and save our stomachs from bloating… and our arteries from clogging… and our skin from breaking out… and on, and on, and on…

I’ve lost count of all the damages I’m inflicting on my person with my daily diet when my dad asks, “But is a little meat really that bad?”

“Yes, Dad,” Julia confirms. “Do you know that we have an herbivorous digestive system, and not carnivorous?”

“Aren’t we omnivorous?” he asks, hopeful.

“Not in origin. In fact, the human intestine is twenty-eight feet long. A lion, for example, only has ten feet. A long intestine is a characteristic of herbivorous animals. That’s why we can’t digest meat properly. It takes too long for it to journey through our guts, and it starts to putrefy while it’s still inside our bodies. And I don’t know about you, but I prefer to keep my intestines free of rotting corpses.”

“Sure, honey,” Dad concedes, defeated.

I don’t even want to know where she gets her information. And from the various expressions around the table ranging from disgust to despair, it seems my fellow diners are of the same mind.

When the introductory speech is over, Julia finally presents the first course: pumpkin soup with chia seeds.

Pumpkin soup doesn’t sound that bad; I love soup. As Julia sets the bowl before me, I’m even encouraged by the color: a deep, rich orange. And the smallish brown seeds she’s used as a garnish don’t seem too scary. I’m actually kind of enthusiastic as I grab my spoon to have a taste.

When everyone is served, Julia claps her hands. “Tuck in, everyone.”

I take a large spoonful, and wince. “Julia,” I protest. “The soup is cold.”

“It’s not cold, it’s lukewarm,” she says, her tone of voice implying I just said something really stupid.

“Well, I prefer my soup hot,” I say, getting up. “I’ll microwave it real quick. Does anyone else want me to microwave theirs—”

“You can’t microwave it!” Julia shouts. I freeze in place as she explains, “First of all, microwaves are really toxic.” She turns toward Mom. “You should get rid of that death trap.” Her focus shifts back to me. “And second, you can’t warm the pumpkin. Keep it at two hundred degrees for even a minute and you lose half of all the thermolabile vitamins.”

“I think I can live with fewer vitamins if it means I can eat hot soup.”

“Suit yourself, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be eaten. You might as well go out and order a burger.”

That actually sounds like a great idea.