He closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his thoughts. Figuring out what to say. How to say it. “Since I’ve been with you, I’ve begun to wonder how much longer I can go on keeping all these secrets. You’ve made think very hard about how I want to live from now on.” He sighed. “I had news to tell you when I arrived from Addis. When you barely spoke to me, it hurt.”

I was such an ass. “Elias, I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing.” He still held his body uncomfortably, as if he didn’t want to get too close. “I want to know that you see me as your equal.”

“Of course I see you like that,” I protested.

“Then give me the chance to decide for myself what I can and cannot have.”

We stayed there for a minute, not saying anything. He’d had good news to share with me and my behavior had ruined it for him. I leaned closer and looked at him, hoping he could see how terrible I felt. “Is it too late to tell me now?”

He let out a long breath and ran his hand through his hair, pulling on the ends again. “I’ve contacted Columbia to confirm my attendance this fall.”

I snapped my head up, unable to hide huge the smile that broke on my face. “You decided? What changed?”

He lifted a shoulder. “It’s too big of an opportunity to pass up.”

I wasn’t disappointed when he didn’t say I’d been part of the reason. I wasn’t that delusional. But I was sad I’d tainted the moment for both of us.

“It’s an amazing opportunity.” I meant it, and my head filled with the possibilities of what it could mean for both of us.

“I don’t know if I could live with myself if I didn’t go. But it’s scary, because I know if I leave, it may be for good.” The agony in his face was complete. “I want so very much to be strong enough to come back and work on changing the things that need changing, but I’m feeling selfish.”

He shook his head hard, his tight curls swaying with the force of his movements. “It’s unfair that I have to choose between living openly as a gay man and living in my country. Because before anything else, I am Ethiopian. This place, this land is at the core of who I am, and it pains me to admit my relief when I thought about not having to hide anymore.”

I was disgusted with myself for having made an already terrible situation for Elias even worse. I was also feeling for him. Though I could never fully understand his situation, I could empathize with the struggle of choosing himself over something he loved.