I looked at his profile. He seemed so worried, so exhausted. I was tempted to just mouth off some platitude to make him feel better, but tried for honesty instead. I at least owed him that.

“My mom was so fragile after my dad died. I stayed in Ithaca for college because I couldn’t put her go through losing me too. After I graduated, I let her push me to work in humanitarian relief. She thought it would be a great way to honor my dad, and in some ways I did too.”

I bit my lip, mortified at voicing something I’d hardly let myself think about. “Like by doing the same work he did, I’d feel closer to him somehow. I never even considered another career.” I lifted a shoulder, feigning levity I didn’t feel. “It’s so funny because my dad was a free spirit, man. He did whatever the fuck he wanted. I don’t think he’d be very impressed with me.”

Elias shook his head, seemingly unhappy with my comment. This time he did turn to look at me, his eyes serious. “Don’t say that. You’re a good man, Desta. Brave.”

I wanted to scoff or dismiss his words, but I let him finish.

“It’s not an easy thing to turn your back on the dreams the people you love have for you. Sometimes the hardest choices are between living for yourself and fulfilling the hopes they have for you.”

He paused, and after a moment spoke in a voice filled with ache. “There have been many times when I’ve asked myself if seeing pride light up my mother’s eyes is more important than letting her know who I really am.” His face looked so grim in that moment, resigned. “It hurts to know it’s only a matter of time before I put it out, but I’m so tired of hiding.”

I didn’t know what to say. This was not where I thought the conversation would go and I was feeling completely out of my depth. Elias was not out to his mother—the secret was hurting him. But I also didn’t want to be the reason he rushed this or made any rash decisions. I wasn’t sure I was worth it.

I turned my face to look out the window, trying to think how to answer. “None of these things are easy, Elias. Why do we have to be responsible for the light in anyone’s eyes? Is it even fair to put that burden on us?” I pressed my cheek to the glass and closed my eyes. “It all makes me so tired, you know?”

After a moment, I felt his hand squeeze mine for a second. I stiffened but didn’t pull away. If he noticed, he didn’t say.

Chapter 20