I didn’t deserve him. He was entirely too pure and too good.

While I’d spent my week freezing him out, letting my insecurities and baggage come between us, he was going about life the way he always did, using his time and energy to do what was right. To stop and notice what was needed and trying to make a difference.

I felt ashamed at how I’d behaved toward him in the last few days. How I’d decided for Elias that coming out to his family was something he was not strong enough to do. What made it worse was that I knew none of this was about him. No. This was about me. My fear that once someone decided I was worth fighting for, I would have to live up to it.

Elias kept driving in silence, and after a while turned to me. “Will you play something for us?” His face looked so sad. Like he could see all my fucked-up feelings and insecurities. I needed to talk to Elias, let him know why I had acted the way I did. I could’ve said something then, apologized or at least hinted at the fact that I knew I’d been wrong. But I chickened out.

“I’ll put something on,” I said grabbing my iPhone. I scrolled through the music until I found a blues playlist I’d downloaded for him. I hit play, and the unmistakable notes of “Mannish Boy” by Muddy Waters broke through the humming of the truck.

Then something happened that felt like seeing the sun come out after days of rain: he smiled at me. The first real smile I’d seen in what felt like weeks. “This is perfect. Thank you.”

I nodded and smiled back as we both settled in with the music and rode home. And when the gravelly coming through the speakers told us everything would be all right, I almost believed it.

It was dark by the time we got back to the lodge. As soon as we parked, Elias jumped out and started unloading the truck. I went around to ask if he needed help, but he waved me off.

“There are just a few things. I’ll be done in a minute. Go shower.”

I hesitated, unsure if it was the right time to say something, but decided to oblige him. I walked into the main lodge, hoping to get a few bottles of water for my room. I was surprised to find Bonnie by the front desk. We weren’t expecting her for a couple more days, and by the looks of it, neither was the lodge. Her face was a study in resignation when I walked up to her, but she lit up once she saw me.