My mother had just given birth to her fourth child, even though she had left the third to the care of a maid she could barely afford. I wasn’t sure when she began to gamble, but it was hardly a secret by that time when I was eleven, as she and her boyfriend disappeared for days, leaving me with the maid to fend for myself, since I was self-sufficient and would do my homework on my own. I resented being punished because I was conscientious, unable to fail, unable to prove to others that Mama neglected me, because I had no sense of self if I wasn’t perfect, and I was too ashamed to be known as a child worth abandoning.

The spirit of change that swept through our country after the revolution compelled me to evaluate my life. I had lived with the promise of going to America for as long as I could remember, had molded my entire self for that future. But the last few years taught me the vast gap between perception and reality, how a leader I’d grown up believing to be good turned out to be the embodiment of corruption, and learning that the United States kept Marcos in power to serve its own interests made me suspicious of my loyalties. If the American government were to approve our petition to immigrate, which my parents filed even before I was born, they would have done it already. I became convinced that this dream of America was destined to stay just that, so I began to envision a future without the promise of moving there. America must have been just another fantasy Mama had concocted, like so many of the promises she had broken, to spend more time with me, to take me places I’d never been, to love me like a mother should.

It didn’t even make sense that Mama would want me around, except she was set against me going to Talacsan because she must have wanted to own my accomplishments and prospects for herself. Since I’d proven such a useful cash cow while I was acting, she figured that having me stay with her, a son who was sure to grow up successful, would mean that I would someday provide for her like dutiful children did in the Philippines. Except she didn’t want to do any of the work of raising a child. While Nanay Coro provided for me without expecting anything in return, Mama gave me nothing but expected everything.