Penn groans. Then he scoops sugar into his mug and returns to his bar stool. “Fine. But I’m only dragging our father through the mud posthumously under duress.”

“Noted.”

“Okay. Beckett, Dad had issues.”

I huff. “I am aware. Because of Afghanistan, that last time.”

Penn nods. “I mean, a seed can’t grow where the soil isn’t fertile, so I doubt that was the very start of it, but as far as I know, Dad really had his shit together until then. But after that last deployment … I mean, he saw three of his friends die. He nearly died himself.”

“You don’t have to defend him, Penn. I know what he went through.”

“But you’re mad at him. He’s been dead for seven months, and you’re still mad at him. And that has nothing to do with Lullaby Doe.”

I have to think about that for a second. It never occurred to me that you could be mad at someone who isn’t even alive anymore. I mean, it’s not like he just ran to the store, and I can yell at him when he gets back.

He’s not coming back. Ever.

But I think Penn’s right. I think I am mad at my dad. I think I’m pissed at him, and that I’ve been pissed at him for a long time. And I think I’m pissed that I never got a chance to tell him I’m pissed, because he died, and you can’t yell at someone who’s dead. You can’t say bad things to or about someone who’s dead. You can’t be mad at someone who’s dead.

Yet that’s exactly what I am.

“Okay. You might be right.” I take another sip from my mug. “But I’m not mad at him for having problems. Or for taking Oxy in the first place. I know he was in a lot of pain.”

“Not all of it physical.”

“Yes! That’s it, exactly. And he knew that pills and alcohol can’t make that kind of pain go away. But he took them anyway. What I’m mad about is the fact that we weren’t enough to make him stop.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean … how could he see us every day? How could he see Mom and Landry every day, and decide to keep taking pills? To keep buying whiskey? How could we not be enough to make him try harder?”

“I don’t have that answer, Beck. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Just tell me about the rumors. Please.”