And even though it’s Sunday, here I am, present and ready to maintain the continuity of these relaxed (in the good sense of the word) exercises. I’m monitoring the muscular tension in my fingers; I want to feel that only the muscles which should be working are doing so. When it comes to my writing arm, I still have problems with the unintentional contraction of the bicep (or biceps?), which for some reason seems to be linked to the middle finger (maybe it is; I should ask Alicia if she remembers the relevant insertions).

But now look: because I’ve been paying attention to my muscles, I’ve neglected my handwriting. I was also distracted by the memory of a surprising discovery I made yesterday afternoon during my siesta: namely, that I find the sensation of being relaxed, especially when accompanied by a marked tranquility of mind, profoundly unpleasant.

This discovery left me concerned and bewildered, since I’m deliberately pursuing relaxation and peace of mind and wondering why I can’t achieve them. The obvious, practical answer that struck me yesterday is this: I’m not achieving them because I don’t want to achieve them.

Then I reached the conclusion that my experiences over the past few years (Buenos Aires, family life) have changed the addiction I used to have to endorphins (which I’d developed with hard work and support) into an addiction to adrenaline, and my inclination toward alpha waves has shifted toward beta waves. This is all very worrying, but I shouldn’t lose hope, and, as Alicia always says, I need to find the halfway point, the balance. I must try to create a space for—a shift, however slight, toward—endorphins (especially since with time they can replace the need for nicotine). To be continued.

September 19

I know it’s been days and days since I last did these exercises—I abandoned them when I was feeling particularly crazy and anxious. Today I’m still feeling crazy and anxious, but I’m also determined to start sorting things out. Going back to these exercises is always the first step toward psychophysical health, I think, though obviously they’re not enough by themselves, and there are plenty of other areas of my life that need addressing as well. And that’s what I’m going to try to do, plugging my ears with wax so I don’t hear the song of the sirens who want to lure me from the true path (in fact, my ears are plugged with wax anyway at the moment, as usually happens to me every other winter).