“My parents did, and they don’t even know it. They stopped by on their way to brunch, which was something they did every Sunday before. It was their first time going back to the place they always went, and they wanted me to come. They said it would make it easier for them if I went, too. I think they came over rather than calling me the way they normally would so I wouldn’t be able to refuse. I found out later they were worried about how withdrawn I’d become. They didn’t know that I was dealing with the onset of what became severe obsessive compulsive disorder. I was plagued by worries about my safety and theirs. I would get up thirty or forty times in the course of a night to check to make sure the locks were on, that the windows were closed, that the nightlights were on. I was exhausted from the need to perform these rituals over and over and over again, like a hamster on a wheel. I was afraid not to do them, that something else awful would happen if I didn’t. It took years of therapy to get me to the point where I only do some of the weird stuff you’ve probably noticed.

“On that day, only because they asked me to, I took a shower, did my hair, put on some makeup for the first time since the funeral, and I went with them. We saw a lot of people we knew, people who cared so much about us and how we were doing. I remember thinking if my parents could endure this unbearable tragedy, maybe I could, too. And seeing them and the courageous way they were facing their loss made it impossible for me to compound it. By the time I got home, my plan had lost its allure. I’ve had a lot of really low moments over the years, and I continue to struggle with the OCD at times, but I’ve never again been that low.”

To his credit, he didn’t say anything. He only held her and rubbed her back in tiny circles and made her feel loved and protected. Maybe he didn’t love her, but his quiet support made her wonder if he did. Listening to the strong beat of his heart comforted her and made her feel less alone with the grief that had never gone away, even if it had become more manageable.

After a long period of silence, she raised her head off his chest to look at him. “I really know how to ruin a mood, don’t I?”

“You didn’t ruin anything. You only made me admire you more than I already did.”

“I’m not proud of my lack of courage.”