‘Twas that horrible time called Christmas, and all throughout Hell,

Perversion was happening, crime was up as well.

The damned were hanging by their fingers and toes,

Waiting for Satan to cause them some woe.

The spawn were alive, and not killed in their crib,

While visions of rampaging filled their little heads.

Gaia in a gown of snowflakes, Lucifer in a dashing ducky suit

Had just settled in for a night of orgasmic sploosh.

When inside the chimney, there arose a mighty curse,

As Santa got caught in a fiery burst.

Away to the fireplace, Satan flew like a devil,

Lit off a rocket, because he’s just that evil.

The moon of Santa’s ass shone like icky fresh snow,

And gave a red-eyed wink to Lucifer below.

Then, what to his wondering eyes should appear

But an army of elves, brandishing spears.

With a mighty fart and a shimmer of his hips,

Down the chimney came the devil’s cousin. Fucking St. Nick.

Lucifer had a plan, and he put it in play.

He yodeled, he commanded, he called them to slay.

"Now, Terror and Poe, Merlyn and Goshen.

On Stupid and Dumbass, and don’t forget that smelly cunt, Roisin.

To me, to the chimney, to the roof, and do hurry.

Don’t let him escape, or I’ll make you adorably furry. “

As the minions before a raging Lucifer do fly

When they meet with his displeasure rise to the sky,

To the top of the castle, the hounds they trotted,

To threaten a Cousin Nick, soon to be departed.

In a huff of brimstone, the devil was on the roof,

Grinning at the pawing of hounds as they harassed those with hooves.

As he waved his hand and prepared to astound,

That idiot Nick attacked with a bound.

He’d dressed all in pleather, from his head to his foot,

But Lucifer looked better in his Darth Vader suit.

He did envy the whip Nick kept strapped to his waist.

It reminded him of a battle in another place.

Nick’s eyes how they wrinkled as his grimace deepened.

His lips pulled taut, and the effect was cheapened.

He had a boring face and a keg of a belly

That shook when he harangued, proving he was jelly.

A wave of the devil’s hand sent Nick to his knees.

All the whining did nothing. He ignored the pitiful pleas.

“You’re an ass and a chump,” Lucifer declared,

While slicking back his thick and lustrous hair.

The devil spoke many words as he went straight to his work,

Concocting a binding contract that Nick signed with a jerk.

A few drops of blood, because that made it official,

And Lucifer gave Nick a nod and had it sent to judicial.

With one final sob, Nick sprang to his sleigh,

A coward who’d lost once more to team Baphomet.

The nine circles heard the devil exclaim as he portaled out of sight,

“Gaia, I fucked over Christmas, expect epic screwing tonight!”