“I woke up two nights later. It was dark and close, but in a stroke of luck, I hadn’t been buried yet. I didn’t know it then, but the town’s only mill had blown up and there were forty bodies to be interred. Plus they’d cornered Darak and set him on fire. Yes, things had been positively hopping in the small town of Millidgeville, pop. 232 (actually 191 now). They were in no rush to get me in the ground. They had more important things to worry about.

“I was thirstier than I had ever been in my life. And strong…I meant only to pop open the door to the coffin and ended up ripping it off the hinges. I lurched out of the coffin and realized instantly where I was. And I knew what Darak was…I’d read Bram Stoker as a teenager. But even through the mad haze of my unnatural—or so it seemed to me then—thirst and the disbelief of my death, the main thing I remember is the relief. I was dead. I was free. I silently blessed Darak and went to find someone to eat.

“Being a vampire is wonderful. The strength, the speed, the liquid diet…all solidly in the plus column. The minuses—no sunbathing (so?), sensitivity to light (sunglasses fixed that nicely), no real relationships other than those of a transitory nature (call girls!)—are bearable.

“I miss women, though. That’s probably the worst of it. No more sunsets? Phaugh. I saw plenty of them on the farm. But I haven’t had a girlfriend since…er…what year is it? Never mind.

“I can’t be with a mortal woman, for obvious reasons. She’d never understand what I was, what I needed. I’d constantly fear hurting her—I can lift a car over my head, so being with a mortal woman is not unlike being with a china doll. And being dead hasn’t affected my sex drive one bit. I was a young man of lusty appetite, and while I still look young, my appetite has increased exponentially with my age.

“I’ve only met six other vampires in my life. Of the six, four were women, and let me tell you, they were complete and unrepentant monsters. They ate children. Children! I killed two, but the other two got away. I could have gone after them, but I had to get the child to a hospital and—well, I wouldn’t have wished their company on my fiercest enemy, much less welcomed them to the marriage bed.

“Yes, I’m lonely. Another price to pay for the eternal life and the liquid diet. But I’m young for a vampire—not even close to a hundred yet. Things are bound to look up. And even if they don’t, my patience—like my thirst—is infinite.”

Chapter 1

A monkey. A fucking monkey!