“No!” Betsy cried. “Black bridesmaid dresses at a vampire wedding? How clichéd can you get? I mean, it looks great on you, Toni—”

“Stop trying that, it won’t work. An-TONE-ee-uh.”

“—but I just can’t do it.”

“Why are you even getting married? You’re already the king and queen, right?”

“It’s a long, horrible story,” Betsy said, “and I don’t have any alcohol, so I’m not telling it.”

“Maybe that dress in a different color?” Jessica suggested.

“Maybe.” Betsy got up and started circling Antonia, which she thought (but didn’t say) was extremely rude in her culture. “It does look great on her. And it helps, frankly, that all my bridesmaids are fabulous-looking.”

“Well, that’s true,” Jessica said modestly. “But Tina and I are short.”

“Andrea’s tall, though.”

“Yeah, but still. Tina and I won’t look as, uh, what’s the word? Stately. With this cut of gown, I mean.”

“I don’t know,” Betsy said, prowling around Antonia like a panther. “It’s a great dress. Good cut, good lines. Probably look good on everybody.”

“I thought we agreed that no dress looks good on everybody. You’ve got a short skinny black gal, a short brunette, and a tall blonde walking down the aisle in front of you.”

“You are really thin,” Antonia informed her. “Where I’m from, they’d hunt for you and be sure you ate everything brought to you.”

“Thanks for that,” Jessica snapped. “I can’t help my metabolism any more than Oprah can help hers, so hush up.”

“Hey, I was being nice!”

“That’s nice for you? Jesus.”

“What colors do you think we should try the dress in?” Betsy said, jumping in. Too bad. Antonia was hungry for a fight, but a catfight would have been a fine substitute. “Emerald green? Royal blue? Red? No, that’s another cliché. I have to say, Antonia,” she added, looking her up and down, “you’re one of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying something around here.”

She shrugged. This was nothing new, and it was inevitably followed by “too bad you’re such a grump” or “it’s so unfortunate you’re not a complete woman” or “at least you’ve got your looks.”

“Too bad you’re such a grouch,” Jessica added.

Antonia rolled her eyes. “Can I get dressed now?”

“Yeah, I think we’re done.”

“Don’t tease,” she warned.

“What a baby!” Jessica hooted. “We’ve been at this barely two hours.”

“We’ve? You haven’t done shit, just stood around running your gums. I’ve been doing all the work.”

“In return for free room and board, which is not such a bad deal, I might add.”

Antonia snorted but had no comeback for that, so instead she said, “We’re really done? You’re not just yanking my chain?”

The queen looked shocked. “Not about wedding matters. Never!”