Bea and I made mee goreng, adding what we found in the fridge: lap cheong, bok choy, eggs. Bea sliced the lap cheong, while I washed the bok choy. She watched me crack the eggs into a pot to poach where our noodles would soften. We were surprised by how good our concoction tasted. After our meal, we cleaned up the kitchen, and then kept cleaning. Ashtrays were everywhere. After we dumped the ashes in the garbage, we washed them all and left them to dry. Finally, I grabbed a few Archie comics and took Bea into bed with me. We sat shoulder to shoulder as we read.

Later that night, we woke to Mother crying again. We crawled out of our bed towards her bedroom. Through the crack of her door, we saw her sitting on the edge of her bed. Tears were streaming down her face. She let them slide down over her chin and onto her neck. Bea wanted to go in and hug her, but I stopped her. The sight of Mother’s sorrow and loneliness pushed me away from the door, and I brought Bea downstairs, as far away as possible from Mother’s sobbing. I sat Bea at the kitchen table again, poured two glasses of milk and brought out cookies we had baked with Mother a few days before. We sat side by side in front of the bay window, watching the rain get heavier, letting the rhythm of the pelting droplets drown out our Mother’s grief.

The next morning, Bea and I were groggy from a night of restless sleep. Like Mother, we drifted around the house in a daze. The tension and the mourning made the air thin, and Bea and I wanted to escape, opening the door to gasp for breath. Hilary’s home became our refuge in the days that followed.

One night, Mother asked how dinner was at Hilary’s and I told Mother that I liked her cooking better. She smiled and hugged me tightly. After Bea went to bed, Mother let me stay up with her to watch a movie on TV. It was rare for me to be alone with her.

“You are a good jie jie,” she said. “Remember to always take care of your sister. I am so proud of how much you have grown and how responsible you are. Always listen to your father and your aunties and uncles, even if they ask you to do difficult things. It’s always good to respect your elders. And as you get older, you will need to take care of them, too. It’s hard to be a jie jie, but I know you can do it, Lily. You are such a smart and good girl.”

I wanted nothing more than for Mother to praise me and to love me. I hugged her, and she held me tight, stroking my hair. I let her embrace me, hoping that I would be enough for her to become herself again.