“Outside of my college classes, it was my main project.” The memory of that exhaustion settles over my shoulders like the ghost of a cardigan. “I got up early. I stayed up late. I tore apart everything about myself that made me so invisible. I was ruthless.” I can’t look at him anymore. Even now, this all sounds so stupid. The memories are so immediate that I can’t escape them, but I want to. I want to forget it all. I want to forget how desperate I felt, and how guilty I felt about stripping away all the things my parents had given me to make way for a version of myself who effortlessly belonged instead of wanting it so badly it kept me awake at night. “I made binders. I kept notes.” All I can do is stare down at the empty plate in front of me. A person like Roman Bliss isn’t going to understand this. What frame of reference would he have for something as shameful as researching things like how to be cool? It wasn’t only the research, either. I practiced. I had to practice. None of it came naturally, and even now, after all these years, it still mortifies me. “It took a long time to make myself into this. I wanted to finally get something out of it.”

I know I’m hanging my head like a person who has been utterly defeated, but I can’t for the life of me look into his eyes. It’s too late now. It’s too late to take back what I’ve said, and what I’ve done, and there’s no way Roman wants any part of that. I take in breath after breath and focus on surviving. At least I’m unlikely to be recognized.

He stands up from his seat and I brace myself.

He’s going to walk out. What else could he do?

18

Roman

Jenny has gone completely still except for a quiver in her chin that breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. She doesn’t lift her head when I stand up, doesn’t move as I come around the table, and doesn’t raise her eyes. I kneel down next to her chair.

“I look like a fucking idiot,” she whispers.

“Jenny.”

She still doesn’t look at me.

“First, you have nothing to feel stupid about.”

Her eyelashes move a fraction of an inch.

“People want to change things about themselves all the time, and they put a lot of work into it. They invest time and money and energy and everything else.” I put a hand above her knee. “People get emotionally invested in these kinds of things.”