I nod. My eyes water.

I won’t stay. Whatever part of me that wanted to linger is gone. Maybe not gone, but shoved down where I won’t be able to find it again without removing my own organs. Now I can leave with Xander without packing guilt in my backpack along with my few belongings. Parker is secure. He has a family. He’s always had a family with me, but now he has a home. If I stayed, I would only be in his way, the constant shadow in a family photo that doesn’t really belong to anyone. Deb and Jacob don’t really want me, they’re just not cruel enough to leave me out. I’m doing them all a favor, and it’s not like I won’t ever come back.

I slide off the couch without Jacob or Parker noticing. Deb tracks my movement like I’m a wild deer she wants to tame.

I ignore her. When I reach the stairs, I take them two at a time as they creak in protest.

My chic pastel room never felt like mine, but in this moment, it feels so wrong that I can’t bring myself to sit on the bed. I sit in the corner of the room. The cool wood floor soothes me and cradles me with its silence. Parker’s excitement still floats around me. I turn it into a borrowed blanket. I let it comfort me even though it isn’t mine. My own excitement about Santa Cruz is a distant, shapeless thing, but tomorrow I will make it real. Tomorrow I’ll try to fit into a family and leave Parker to his.

The stairs call out a warning, and then someone knocks.

“Yeah.”

Parker pokes his head in, his eyes going to the bed first and then finding me on the floor. He steps in and shuts the door behind him, then comes and sits cross-legged in front of me.

“It’s what we’ve always wanted,” he says.

“Yeah.” It’s only a half lie, like our magic tricks tonight. I always wanted it for him. I stopped wanting it for myself a long time ago. I can’t go back in time and make myself want it again, even for Parker.

“Don’t pretend.”

Damn, kid. Why does he have to choose now to notice how I’m feeling?

“I’m not.” I give the most convincing smile in my bag of tricks and ruffle his hair like I did when he was younger. He hates it now, but he lets me do it anyway.

He sees through it.

“You won’t be less of a sister if Jacob’s my brother. We’re already like brothers anyway. Nothing will change.”