But these girls don’t know any of that. They know I like to party. They know I’m a dependable listener when it comes to relationship drama and a good roller coaster buddy and I find great discounts. That I like movie nights where we wear face masks and throw popcorn at each other, and that I can quote every word of my favorites (and that those favorites include everything from the fluffiest rom-com to the goriest horror flick). They know I’m a good shopping buddy, and the one you turn to if you need help with an English assignment. That if we go into the city on a weekend, I’m gonna push to eat at my favorite Russian restaurant. And all of that is true. It is who I am. Who I’ve always been.

But now I know I’m all this other stuff too, and I certainly don’t wanna be first and foremost the Girl Obsessed with Chase Harding.

Except I was the girl obsessed with Chase Harding, so where has that obsession gone, now that we’re finally together? Was it only the thrill of the chase (pun not intended), or is there more to it?

How do you tell your closest friends, when you only have one year left before you all head off in new directions, that they don’t know you as well as they think?

How do you have that conversation when it means facing that you didn’t know yourself as well as you thought you did?

I close my eyes and think of all the things I’ve told these girls in the past—my first period, my first kiss, my first Father’s Day rage cry, my first “oh my God, I am helplessly in love with this boy.”

Telling them something has always been what makes it real.

Maybe I’m not ready for that yet.

No, not maybe—I am definitely not ready for that.

“There’ll be more,” I say to assure them and myself, letting the sun warm my skin. “Don’t worry, you’ll have to hear about each and every one.”

The other girls boo, and Kiki splashes much less delicately in my direction. And I smile.

Monday at lunch, though, boys are anything but the topic of discussion. At some point over the weekend—between movie dates, lounging at the pool, and another morning spent drawing bad leaves in lattes—college fever swept the entire town of Stratford. It might be because early decision deadlines are nearing, or because Homecoming is the other thing on everyone’s mind and people are about to return from all over, anxious to tell us how much they looooove their schools and prying like mad about where we’re going, but whatever it is, Shannon, Kiki, and Gia have come armed to our centrally located table today.