And because that’s not it—because that’s only a tiny piece, and because I haven’t been able to take the time to decide whether it’s my piece—I say what I have to say. “I didn’t know I was allowed to like her like that,” I finish quietly. “I didn’t know it was okay. I didn’t know it could be more than ‘girls just messing around’ or ‘girls having fun.’ I had liked you—really liked you—for so long, I knew I wasn’t gay. I knew I liked boys. And I knew she liked boys. And sometimes when you like the gender you’re ‘supposed’ to like, it’s not so clear what’s happening with the others.”

He furrows his brow in confusion. “But it’s not like you don’t know what bisexuality is. You have bi friends.”

“Yeah, and the fact that it didn’t look the same for them made it even more confusing. Jamie? Has been out forever. Kenny Cho? Announced that Evan Sanders was his boyfriend when we were literally standing in a sandbox, and then a week later he said Julie Morrow was his girlfriend now. I never had feelings like that for any girls until this summer. And my best friends are pretty much the hottest girls in school, so, you know—I’d have known.”

That at least gets a tiny snort of a laugh from Chase, but then his face grows serious. “So, you really like her?”

“I really do.”

“But you liked me too.”

“I really did,” I say, putting a hand on his arm. I hope he can tell how much I mean it. “If I’d known what was going on between me and her wasn’t just a fling, I would’ve made different choices. I promise you that. I wasn’t trying to string you along, Chase. Dating you was all of my dreams coming true. But I hadn’t let myself realize that my dreams had changed.”

He huffs out a breath. “I really, really want to be mad at you.”

“You can be,” I assure him. “The fact that I was genuine doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like shit. And it’s not like I don’t feel shitty about it. I’d kill for no one to have gotten hurt in this scenario.”

“I know you would,” he says softly. “You’re a good person, Lara. It’s why I really, really fucking like you.”

Present tense, still. And I guess in a way, it’s present tense, still, for me too. But it isn’t the way I feel about Jasmine. It’s like the tail end of a romantic comet that’s about to fizzle into something that isn’t dazzling in the same way, but is more permanent, still stellar. “I would really, really like to stay friends,” I reply. “When you’re ready.”