She whirled, both hands grasping her hair. “You’d be with your son right now if it weren’t for me. He’d have a mother!” She blinked rapidly, unraveling before my eyes and leaving me helpless to help her. “Oh my God!” she cried, and then the tears did spill over, rushing down her cheeks as if they wouldn’t stop. “I did this!”

I wanted to reach out for her, tell her how wrong she was, but I couldn’t. The what-ifs were endless, plaguing the back of my mind, and I knew they plagued the forefront of hers. Even so, I wasn’t about to let her do this to herself.

“It’s not your fucking fault! I don’t know how many times I need to tell you that. I don’t know when you’ll actually hear me!”

“It is my fault!” she screamed, sliding her fingers under the sleeves of her jacket. I ground my teeth because I just fucking knew she was digging her nails in. “My lie destroyed more than just your life…” She hid her face in her hands.

I crossed the distance and shoved her toward the dock. She was too busy having a meltdown to pay attention to the water.

“Nikki, your son, the island, the vineyard…” she stuttered as our feet nearly skidded over the wet planks. “You’ve lost everything and everyone because of me.”

“I still have you, don’t I?” I hefted her over my shoulder and stepped onto the boat, almost careening into the rail, then stomped down the stairs into the cabin. I set her on her feet.

“No wonder you left me,” she said, doubling over. “How can you stand to be near me?”

In two seconds flat, I had her wrists locked in my fists. “Look at me.”

She shook her head. “I can’t.”

“I said look at me!” I gave her a firm shake until her burning eyes met mine. “You need to let it go. What’s done is done. Punishing yourself isn’t gonna change shit.”

Her gaze landed on her bloodied fingernails. “But I deserve everything that’s happened to me. You don’t deserve any of it. I did this, Rafe.”

My heart pounded in my ears, at a level that rivaled a roar. “Is that why you get off on pain? Why you let Zach hurt you for so long? Why you let me?” I practically ripped the jacket from her body before pushing the sleeves of her shirt to her elbows. Jerking her by the arms, my gaze raked over her torn up skin. “This is the reason you keep fucking hurting yourself, isn’t it? You think you deserve it.”

“No, it’s—”

“Yes it is!” I shook her again, my anger bubbling over, unstoppable. “I’ll give you pain, babe. Any fucking time. Just say the fucking word.”