“You better put them clothes back on before Renelle get home,” Leroy instructed while he walked away toward the kitchen. All of a sudden, he turned back around and pulled it out from between his fly, wagging his thing in his hand so I could smile. My face fell flat again as soon as he turned his back. I wondered then how all this began. I wondered why I first allowed him to have his way with me—because that’s exactly what he did. He had his way, and like with everything in life I didn’t have mine. I would never lie and say he started out by raping me, because I never told him to stop. I had always just looked up at him, curious and shaken, when he stared down at me with moist eyes while licking his lips. I always wondered what exactly he would do next, because I thought then I would learn a little bit about what it meant to be grown. Yet each time we were finished, I didn’t feel any more grown than I had before, only smaller.

In between the roar of me and my baby’s blood clashing between my ears, from the back of the messy three-bedroom apartment with its sad, dumpy furniture, I heard the harsh, rattling cough of the three-year-old, Leroy Jr. It wasn’t like I cared anymore; it had lingered for months and nobody felt he needed to see a doctor, although I had mentioned it a couple times. The baby and his sick cough had been reduced to an alibi, my reason not to be anywhere near the husband when his wife walked through the door. I didn’t know how much longer I could hide or disguise it, pretending fifteen dollars a night drove my enthusiasm for watching two brats who did nothing but beg for sweets and talk back.

Before I made it to Junior’s bed, I stopped to check on the six-year-old, Jessica. She was a sweetheart; nerve-wracking because she was always asking questions, sweet because she would do anything I asked her to. It didn’t take me long to start calling her Jesse: “Jesse, go run your brother a bath. Jesse, go make sure that door locked. Jesse, help me clean up this house before your mama and daddy get home.” My mother couldn’t help remind me that a woman who couldn’t keep a house would never keep a man, so I figured I was doing Jesse a favor by putting her to it early.