He led me to the couch and we sat down. I started crying, began to hiccup, and was officially a hot mess. He got up and went to the kitchen, returning with a cool glass of water. Did people think water was some type of abortion juice, because it seemed like the only thing they had to offer whenever I had a meltdown. I drank half of the glass and then we just sat still.

“What you gon’ do?” he finally asked.

“I’m gettin’ an abortion,” I said without hesitation.

“You got the money?” The thought crossed my mind that he would offer it to me if I said no.

“No.”

He didn’t offer.

“I got ’bout half of it now. I gotta save up for the other half. Problem is my job was keepin’ this woman’s kids, and now that’s over.”

“I’m strapped,” he said. He could have been lying, but it meant a lot to me that he had known he should at least try to offer or explain. “Maybe you should tell your ma. She might give you the money.”

“Ma ain’t gon’ let me get no abortion. She don’t believe in that. She ain’t gon’ let me kill her grandbaby.”

“But if it’s gonna be this big problem …”

“Still. She don’t care. She ain’t gon’ let me kill it. She just gon’ kick my ass or cuss me out every day to remind me I fucked up. But she ain’t gonna let me kill it.”

Rasul leaned back against the plush pillows and pulled me into him. I felt his heart beating against my back. He said nothing for a while. Then he spoke, so suddenly I was startled by his words.

“She right… don’t kill it.”

WE WERE STILL on the couch, dozing off against each other when Ma knocked on his front door. Rasul rubbed his eyes and stretched while I simply stared straight through the door, as if Ma’s eyes already had a hold on me I couldn’t break if I wanted to. I knew it was her though she hadn’t said a word.

“Who the fuck …” Rasul began, stretching one arm out and rubbing his eyeballs with his fists.

“It’s her.”

There was something to be said for children’s intuition as well as mothers’. It was a curious bond, where two beating hearts still seemed to be connected to the thoughts, activities, and well-being of another. Ma always said she knew Grandma was sick long before Grandma broke down and told us, toward the end when she knew she really had no choice but to explain she was leaving. Ma looked her straight in the eye, defiant almost, like she had won a prize, and said “Well Mama, I already knew that.”

This time, the knock was much harder. Rasul looked agitated and began to whisper.