“It’s just … you remind me of her when you drift off like this. Of Sabrina. After she and Molly broke up and she couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t anything. It was so bad,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper, and I’m not even sure he’s still talking to me. “I wouldn’t have done what I did if I didn’t think I absolutely had to, if I didn’t think she literally needed to move somewhere else to survive.”

“And now you want to be the hero again?” It comes out meaner than I intend, but I’m not sure I even care. It’s physically painful, having him so close and having to keep him so far away. Having to keep my secret, to keep my distance, to keep from telling him how badly I just need a fucking hug.

To keep from telling him how much his stupid fucking song broke my heart all over again for reasons I can’t even begin to understand.

“I know you don’t think it’s about that,” he says flatly. “We both know I’m not a hero. Hell, you had to teach me how to be a decent guy.”

“No, I didn’t.” As I say it, I realize how true it is. “You were always a decent guy. You were always the guy who risked his own reputation and future for his sister, and who helped me when I asked for it, and who brought me tampons under cover of darkness. And now you’re the guy checking on me in the middle of the night. It was stupid to think you were anything else just because you dressed like you rolled out of a dumpster and smelled like a bong.”

“I’m flattered, I think?”

“I’m not flattering you. I’m telling you that you don’t need me and you never did. And I don’t need you either. So can you please. Just. Go?”

There’s an endless silence where he doesn’t respond but he doesn’t get up, either, and I pretend my eyes are closed but I’m actually looking at where his hand rests on his thigh and willing it to stroke my hair. It’s the stupidest thing, but my entire heart feels like it’s seizing in the hopes of receiving exactly that one small touch. Ignore what I’m saying, I want to scream, but I don’t, of course I don’t, and I don’t take his hand and I don’t move closer and I don’t take a breath.

And then he says, “You know where to find me,” and leaves me alone to cry in the dark.

Chapter Fourteen