The strains of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” sound from the children’s area, followed by exuberant squeals and laughter. Charlie appears at the entrance, and Bethany hurries over to hand a basket to him. Mr Turner and I watch as the children and parents come out, pulling on their coats, the children dipping their hands into the basket and pulling out little presents. Their faces are flushed and happy.

A few minutes later, Marlena appears and makes her way over to us. In her heels, she must be six foot three, and little bells ring from somewhere on her dress. Mr Turner and I rise to our feet, as one is advised to do when greeting a queen. She waves us to our seats and settles down next to us, reaching into her large bag and pulling out a Tupperware box.

“Oh my God,” I say indignantly. “Those are Charlie’s mince pies. How did I not get some to take to work?”

“You’re not nearly as important as me, darling,” she purrs.

I laugh. “That’s true.”

“But seeing as it’s Christmas and I am imbued with the festive spirit, I shall let you have one.” She checks the box. “But only a small one.”

I smile and hold out my hand. “How about you choose one for me, my queen.”

She narrows her eyes. “Well, with all that charm I can see now why you get so much cock, Misha.” Mr Turner chokes on his own mince pie and she pats his back while still talking. “It was always a bit of a mystery to me before.”

“Oh, lovely,” I say faintly. “Well, as long as you’ve seen the light now.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” She looks back at where Charlie is talking to some parents. “He’s not right, Misha,” she says, dropping her humour.

I sigh. “I know. I’m going to do something about it. I’ve let this go on for too long.”

She looks at me thoughtfully. “Make sure you do. That boy is an angel.”

I smile at her. “He is. But I have to point out after years of knowing him that his halo is slightly dented and no one ever notices.”

“Oh, darling, we’ve all got dented halos. Of course, yours is probably languishing in a scabby old junkyard somewhere, buried beneath a mountain of rusting metal and the failed dreams of your latest twink.”

I blink. “That’s fairly graphic.”

“Misha, Misha.” She pats my cheek and pinches it gently. “If you weren’t destined for someone else I would be in you quicker than when I go through John Lewis’s doors during the sale.”

I freeze, not wanting to make any sudden moves. “Erm, didn’t you black someone’s eye last year? Not sure that’s quite my idea of good sex.”

She shakes her head with a coquettish look on her face. “One should never reject new experiences.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s what Ann Boleyn said about marriage.”

Marlena laughs. “Oh Misha, don’t think too hard, you pretty, pretty boy.”