It was a peculiarity of his personality that had first come to light in adolescence, when other boys his age began to speak of girls in terms of their physical appeal. Nudging one another and laughing nervously, they had pointed out the swelling chests and elongating legs of the girls. They’d boasted of wanting to do “things” with these girls, vague in details but clear in their desires. All the while, Ben had watched and listened, wondering what they were seeing that he wasn’t.

He’d dated because others were, kissed because it seemed the thing to do, but always he came home unsure of whether he had enjoyed it or not. And, yes, he’d masturbated, but the motions of his hand were unaccompanied by fantasy. He’d done it for release, not indulgence, and any pleasure he’d taken from it had been divorced from imagery and invention. For this reason, perhaps, he had never felt guilt for doing it.

Even his courtship of and marriage to Carol had had little to do (at least on Ben’s part) with physical attraction, although Ben’s friends had congratulated him heartily on his good fortune to the point that he’d become uncomfortable, reminding him, as it did, of his school days and his bewilderment at the talk of other boys. He was a virgin when he married, and his wedding night had been an exercise in the mechanics of human sex, much of which he found embarrassing in its primitiveness.

Carol, as far as he knew, had been satisfied with him as a lover. If their lovemaking had not been remarkable, he assumed that it was also not disappointing. After Caddie’s birth it had tapered off, a natural result, Ben believed, of parenthood. He had not much missed it, meeting his infrequent needs as he had in adolescence, and with the same casual disinterest.

But was all of this because he was, unknowingly, repressing an attraction to men? He found it difficult to believe. If he were, wouldn’t there be some evidence to support the theory, at least one moment he could pinpoint when sexual longing had manifested itself in that direction? But there were none, no fascinations with other boys or men, no encounters, not even any dreams that he could recall.

This did not, however, negate the possibility that he could be attracted to another man. In some sense his past was immaterial, as Caddie had been remarking on his current behavior. The question became, then, was it possible that he was attracted to Hudson Jones?