Her honesty surprised him. Even more, it confused him. He felt that he should have some kind of answer for her, but he didn’t. If anything, he knew just what she meant. But if he said that, would she understand that he wasn’t just trying to show her that they had something in common? He was supposed to be the adult. She probably expected him to know what life was all about. If he told her that he had as many doubts as she did, how would that help?

“What do you think would make you happy?” he tried.

Caddie was looking away, staring at a spot on the wall. She shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe nothing.”

“Well, let’s look at it another way,” said Ben. “What’s making you unhappy?”

Caddie swung her face toward him. “Being here,” she said.

Ben tried to ignore the stab of pain her answer sent through him. “Do you really think you would be happier back with your mother?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t be any less happy,” said Caddie.

Ben looked into her eyes. “Do you hate me that much?” he asked quietly.

He saw something change in Caddie’s face, a softening of the muscles, a shifting of the eyes away from him. “It’s not you,” she said. “Not all you, anyway.”

“But I’m a big part of it,” Ben said. “Right?”

Caddie didn’t say anything. In a strange way, this made Ben feel better. He’d expected her to agree with his assessment; her not doing so gave him hope that perhaps she was ready to admit that she didn’t blame him for everything.

“Right,” she said.

He felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach. The breath left him, and all he could do was sit and nod stupidly, as if he were admitting his guilt. Caddie stared at the floor. Neither spoke for a long time.

It was Caddie who broke the silence. “I don’t hate you,” she said. “I’m angry. There’s a difference.”

Ben nodded. He understood what she meant. Still, it hurt to know that he was the cause of her unhappiness, even if only partially. He’d known before, of course. But this was different. Caddie’s voice was that of a little girl, not an irate teenager. It was easier to take when she was yelling. Then he could dodge her words as he would rocks, seeing them only as missiles designed to inflict pain. Now, though, he felt the full impact of her admission. He had hurt her.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“About what?” said Caddie.

Ben shrugged. “About everything, I guess,” he said. “Mostly I’m sorry that you’re unhappy. I wish I could change that.”