“It feels scary... and really fucking vulnerable. Like you could just... not forgive me. And leave me again." He shakes his head and pinches his eyes shut. "Fuck, I really don’t want you to leave me again,” he gasps, rubbing at his chest once more.

I rest my palm over his heart. His heartbeat matches mine. Hooking a leg over his, I pull him closer.

We’re so near now—our lips brushing, but not kissing.

I need him to know how much I forgive him. How much, as long as it's up to me, I wouldn’t leave him for anything.

My body feels charged, unhinged. Like now that I’ve finally heard those words—“I’m sorry”—my body is no longer mine.

It’s his.

I think it always has been.

He holds my waist, fingers trailing up my spine. I bury my hands in his hair, gripping like he’s the only thing holding me down.

“Caleb,” I moan, voice wrecked as his lips find my neck. It's like he's soothing himself with physical touch. And God, do I want to help soothe him in any way he needs. “Fuck, it’s okay.” He sucks hard enough to make my toes curl, and I swear my soul leaves my body for a second. “You’re okay.” My hands clutch him tighter, desperate for more.

I need him. I need all of him. Now.

He pants against my skin, needy already.

“Do you trust me?” I whisper.

23

caleb

I freeze and look up to meet his eyes. I knew the answer immediately as soon as he asked.

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I smile back. Truthfully, I’d do just about anything Nathaniel wants me to do right now. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not straight about five minutes into this trip. And hearing him forgive me…that’s unlocked everything I’ve been holding inside of me. I feel like cuffs have come undone and I’m now able to be unapologetically myself. As though the one person who has ever truly mattered has now accepted me.

Seeing him, being around him, it’s intoxicating. It’s always been like that. So yeah, maybe I didn’t know it then, but my adult brain (debatable at times), sure does. I want Nathaniel in any which way he’ll give himself to me.

And if this is his way of forgiving me for what I did, I’ll take it. I’ll take it—

…oh wait.

Oh fuck. I didn’t think about that part. If this was to go further… who was going to top? Who was going to bottom? I guess I always thought of myself as more of the dominant one in my sexual experiences, but being with Nathaniel… something has shifted inside of me. It’s been nice having him take over.

‘Taking care of me’, as he likes to put it. I wonder how good it will feel having him tower over me. Telling me how much he likes how my body makes him feel.

“Hey. Get out of your head.” He grips my cheeks roughly in his hands, making me snap back to reality. Didn’t even realize I was day dreaming so intensely.