Caleb barks out a laugh. "Touchy? Are we talking creepy uncle touchy or weird-dad-joke touchy?"

"He keeps rubbing my shoulders. Caught him full-on checking out my ass at the copier the other day. I don’t know what to do." I groan, running my hand down my face.

Caleb’s smile falters. Something shifts in his expression.

"Is he not attractive?" he asks, quiet.

"I’m not gay." The words come out too fast. I immediately regret them.

"Okay, that’s fair. But also…how do you know?"

I narrow my eyes. “How does anyone know? You just know.” I can sense the lie between my teeth and it makes me feel squirmy. It’s like he can sense how unconfident I am in my answer.

"Yeah, I guess. But I mean, I know you only were with Sarah in high school, and by the sounds of it, you didn’t experiment much in college either.” Caleb nibbles on his bottom lip. “So, I guess what I’m wondering is if…you’ve ever been the slightest bit curious…"

His eyes search mine, and my heartbeat picks up.

"Well, no…I don’t know…did you?" I ask, voice tight.

"Did I what?" His smirk returns.

"Experiment with guys. Jesus, Caleb, do I have to spell everything out for you?"

My irritation rolls off him like water. He just looks... curious.

"No, but I’ve done something else."

His eyes gleam with something I can’t name. It makes me feel nervous and…excited?

"What was it?"

He leans a little closer, his voice low, steady.

"Do you trust me?"

His smile turns sly. Dangerous.

Oh god.

15

caleb

Don’t even ask me what I’m thinking—because I have no idea.

All I know is that when Nathaniel looks at me with those wide, confused, puppy dog eyes, something in me stirs. I want to protect him. Show him something. Lead him… somewhere.

Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m grabbing my laptop from my duffle bag and setting it on the coffee table.

"How do you know you’re not into something if you’ve never even tried it?" I ask, booting it up and typing in my password.

Nathaniel shifts beside me. "I’ve watched porn before."

"Yeah, yeah. But have you ever seen gay porn? Like, even once?"

He hesitates. "Have you?"

I laugh under my breath. "I mean...sometimes it pops up and I'd be lying if I said I haven’t been curious enough to click on a video or two."

His eyebrows furrow like he’s trying to piece this new information together. I get it—I’m confused too. I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I just want to. With him.

"Come on. Let’s see what all the hype is about," I say, clicking into my go-to site.

I navigate to the gay tab, not giving myself time to overthink it, and click the first video I see. There we go, two guys in a locker room, kissing. They kind of look like us. One with sandy blonde hair and one with longer dark strands. That… weirdly makes me feel better.