Bill pulled the boy into his arms, touching his forehead to Nick’s. “I want to date you too. Okay?”

Nick nodded. “Okay. I’m still walking back to school. Can I call you tonight?”

“I’ll call you.”

“Promise?”

“At seven o’clock,” Bill said. “I promise.”

The naturalness Bill had felt with Nick at the Mexican restaurant deepened each time they were alone together, surprising Bill with the realization he had never experienced this feeling with other guys. When he went on a date or had sex with another man, he was always conscious of the censuring world peering through a keyhole. Bill could ignore or reject the censure but he could not escape its presence, reminding him that what he and the other men were doing violated the rules of nature the world had set down. Nick in his spontaneity and happiness seemed entirely oblivious to the disapproving world; while he was undeniably male he was, above all, simply himself. No shadows seemed to cling to him, no history of hurts deformed him and, in his presence, Bill felt as if he could shed his own shadows and hurts. He could, for a little while, forget even that he was gay and be, simply, a man in love.

The freedom he felt with Nick when they were alone, however, was tested every time they left Bill’s apartment, where the disapproving world waited for them. Outside the Castro, Bill could not shed his cautious habits. If Nick grabbed for his hand when they were walking down Market Street, he would gently bat it away. When they sat together on MUNI, he kept an inch distance from his lover. When Nick once tried to kiss him while they were shopping in Union Square, Bill turned his face away. He knew these deflections were upsetting to Nick, and he tried to explain them, but, while Nick nodded in apparent understanding, he saw the skepticism in Nick’s eyes.

“Um, if we’re afraid to hold hands,” Nick said once, “how will guys ever be able to hold hands? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Getting called names?”

“No, we could be get beaten up.”

He watched Nick digest this, a tiny glimmer of fear entering his eyes, and felt immediately regretful. He wanted to take it back, but because he believed it, he could not. He told himself he was only teaching Nick survival techniques but by doing so, he knew he was also teaching Nick to be afraid and it weighed on him.