“If you were a straight guy and Adam was a girl who had rejected you, you might feel hurt and disappointed, but you wouldn’t feel bad for having had feelings for her in the first place because the world has told you all your life that those feelings are normal. That’s not what the world tells you about your feelings for other guys. The world tells you those feelings are unnatural. So, when a guy rejects you, in addition to everything else, you feel shame.”
“I thought I got over that when I came out to myself.”
“How old were you?”
“Seventeen, eighteen.”
“The damage was already been done by then. You’d already been taught to be ashamed of yourself. Getting over that shame is a process, not a one-time event. Coming out’s only the beginning. So, with this kid, you got to meet the shame again. Now you get to practice an even deeper level of self-acceptance.”
“So, I should thank Adam for calling me a faggot?”
“He didn’t call you a faggot. That’s just what you heard.”
A sudden gust of wind lifted leaves and debris from the gutter and chilled me, but I felt, not cold, but relief.
“Yeah, you’re right. This doesn’t have anything to do with Adam. It’s all me.”
“Go home. Have a cup of tea, do some writing about shame and we’ll talk some more in the morning.”
“Thank you.” I glanced at my watch; it was a quarter to ten. “Why are you still at work?”
“There’s no rest for the wicked in Hollywood. Goodnight, Henry. I love you.”
Adam was making change at the cash register when I came in the next day for lunch. He waved at me as I headed to my usual booth. I pasted a smile on my face and waved back. I spread out my files on the table, ordered chicken lo mien and tea from Mrs. Chu and began to read the paramedic and autopsy reports in the Ryan case that arrived that morning from Ruth Fleming.
EMT Incident Report
Medic: I responded to above location on a report of gas leak victims. Upon arrival, found Pt. 1 nearly unconscious on steps to apts. Pt. 1 was dizzy, having difficulty breathing, disoriented. Pt. 2 discovered in bed in upstairs apt. Attempts to resuscitate Pt. 2 unsuccessful. Pt. 3 removed from downstairs apt. Examined and appears unaffected by leak.
Pt. 1: “I woke up and smelled gas. My friend is still upstairs.”
Pt. 1, male, 23, with no reported health problems. Pt. 2, male, early 30s. Medical history unknown at this point. Pt. 3, female, 79, no significant health problem reported.
Assessment: Pt. 1, symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning from gas leak of as yet unknown origins. Pt. 2, death apparently result of carbon monoxide poisoning from same gas leak. Pt. 3, no injuries.