“Have you been tested?” I asked gently.

He slowly shook his head. “No. I figure I’m positive because of Bill, but something about having that confirmed…” His voice trailed off.

“A lot of guys feel that way.”

“It’s not so much me, but my family. They’re so happy to have me back. I want them to enjoy it without having to worry it won’t last. Does that make sense?”

“I’m sorry you even have to make those calculations at your age.”

He shifted a bit in his chair, looked past me and out of the window before answering. “You know the quote that goes something like, nothing focuses the mind like the prospect of being hanged?” He met my eyes. “It’s true. The last few months I had to sit down with myself and figure out what was important to me and what I really wanted to accomplish while I could. My mom couldn’t help me with that. My brothers or sister, either. As much as they love me, these were decisions only I could make because in the end, it’s my life.”

“You really have grown up. I’ve just got to that point and I’m ten years older than you.”

He laughed, then asked, quietly, “What about you, Mr. Rios? Have you been tested?”

“A couple of weeks ago. I’m waiting for the results.”

He nodded. “Why did you decide to go for it?”

“My friend Larry sort of shamed me into it when I told him I was afraid of the results.”

Fear is an acronym, Henry. It can be either Fuck Everything And Run—or Face Everything And Recover. Which is it going to be?

“Everyone’s afraid,” Nick said. “You can feel it in the streets.”

“That’s what I told him. He reminded me there’s no magic in the test. My status is a fact that getting tested or not getting tested won’t change, so ultimately, I’m afraid of reality, and that’s pointless. He also offered to take the test the same time as me.”

Nick digested this and said, “Maybe I should get tested.”

“You’ve got good reasons not to.”

We were silent a moment, then he said, “I came by to thank you.”

“Thank me? For what?”

“For screwing everything up!” He laughed. “For getting into my business and upsetting my family. For forcing me to face reality. I was in shock after Bill died.”

“That’s understandable.”

He became somber. “No, Mr. Rios, with all due respect, you don’t understand. Not everything.”

I leaned toward him. “What do you mean, Nick?”

“I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told anyone else,” he said softly. “Not even my family. You have to promise me you won’t repeat it.”

“You have my word.”

He took a deep breath. “I knew what Bill was going to do that night. I agreed to it.”