Explain something to me. I’m asking because I really just don’t get it. How do you get excited about a sport where you’re lucky if they score one goal in a game? That seems crazy.

HAMILTON: Doesn’t that happen in hockey?

LAMB: Sure, every now and then. But it’s the / exception, not the rule.

Lamb’s cellphone rings. He takes it out and looks at the screen.

LAMB: Shit. DW. ‘Da Wife.’ (answers phone) Hey Honey – (frowns) Pumpkin, what are you doing up? ( … ) Well Santa won’t come ’til you’re asleep. ( … ) No no, that’s one of his rules: he doesn’t deliver presents to children who stay up waiting for him. ( … ) Of course I’m sure, sweetie. You can ask Mommy. (turns to Hamilton, whispers) She likes to double-check her facts, the little monster. ( … ) See? Now that you know, go to bed.

(turns to Hamilton and makes a ‘talk talk talk’ gesture) Honey, I’m sure that Santa didn’t forget about you. ( … ) Because he told me. ( … ) That’s right, in fact, he’s with me now. He just told me what he’s bringing you. (makes an ‘okay’ sign to Hamilton) What? ( … ) No, I don’t think Santa has time to talk to you right now – ( … ) Of course he likes you, he’s just very busy – ( … ) All right, all right, I’ll ask him. (presses mute button) Okay, so bad move, telling her I was with Santa. Shit.

(looks at Hamilton) Could you be Santa?

HAMILTON: Sorry?

LAMB: Just say hi or whatever, tell her you’re in a hurry … I’d do a voice but she recognizes me now.

HAMILTON: Uh …

LAMB: Please. She thinks Santa forgot about her.

HAMILTON: … I guess.

LAMB: Bless your cotton socks. It’s Iris, the seven-year-old.

(presses mute button again) Pumpkin? Santa’s gonna say hello, but he’s in a hurry, okay?

Lamb passes the phone to Hamilton.

HAMILTON: Hello?

Lamb places his hands under his diaphragm, miming ‘Deep voice.’

HAMILTON: (deep voice) Nice to meet you, Iris. ( … ) Yes, of course this is Santa.

Lamb mouths ‘Ho ho ho!’

HAMILTON: ( … ) Now don’t you worry – ho ho ho! – I haven’t forgotten about you. You’re next on my list …

Lamb mimes ‘Sleep.’

HAMILTON: … So long as you’re asleep, of course. Will you go straight to bed now? ( … ) That’s a good girl.

Lamb gives Hamilton a thumbs-up.

HAMILTON: ( … ) Good night, Iris. Ho ho ho!

Hamilton hands the phone back to Lamb.

LAMB: Pumpkin? Go to bed now. ( … ) Yes, Santa’s from England. Put Mommy back on the phone. ( … ) Hey. If she’s not asleep in twenty minutes, you have my permission to grind all my Ativan into a glass of warm milk. ( … ) See you soon, Honey. (hangs up)

(to Hamilton) Thank you.

HAMILTON: Don’t mention it.

LAMB: That was a pretty good Santa.

HAMILTON: Oh, thanks.

LAMB: By the way, I was kidding about the Ativan.