cases, it was as if I no longer

existed.

they had what they needed.

I stood with cigar and drink and watched them file out

the door and into the night.

then they were gone with their asses that needed saving

even worse than mine.

each man’s hell is different

I get reports about a dear friend in

Europe, this man is not the complaining

type

so what I’ve learned doesn’t come from

him

but he can’t hide everything

and some of it filters through from other

sources:

he must go to the hospital every other

day, he is dying by the god-damned

inch.

his home life has long been

unhappy

and now

his wife has become

suicidal.

most of my letters to him

go unanswered

and when he does

reply

the responses are clipped and

stark.

I’ve learned he can’t drink, smoke,

ever consume coffee

and

there are

occupational

problems.

he’s not old.

my friend always wanted to be

a writer

he became a translator

working the language of the

successful practitioners

into his own.

the long hard hours

with the dream

getting further

and further out of

reach,

his wife going

mad:

“you’re always

typing!”

a killing unhappiness:

never knowing

what you might have

been.

the powers that be

there was a crowd at this dinner.

they were all telling jokes of

one sort or another,

some of them were professional

actors, directors of note, writers,

and it gave me a little

tingle to be with such talented

humans.

there was a lull, finally,

and I began telling about something

that was not a joke.

about something that had happened to me.

I mean, I wasn’t serious but at the

same time I was serious,

trying to explain what

had occurred, about

something that might occur

unexpectedly in any man’s life,

something to be understood,

something to cherish.

I guess it was

a rather philosophical story

informed by decades of

my living life out.

then, I was finished.

there was silence.

nobody agreed or disagreed.

and then, at once, they all began

again

chatting about

little happenings,

the waiter appeared and

disappeared,

desserts and libations,

further in-jokes and out-jokes,

the candles flickered in their

glass enclosures,

eyes locked and unlocked,

lips opened,

mouths smiled, hands

gestured,

these were the talented minds that

informed our way,

these were the talented minds that

informed their way.

I was sitting with talented

shit.

clever

the clever people slide downstream like

white fish

through the blue water,

past the rapids,

the clever people

with their clever throats and eyebrows,

their clever nostril hairs,

both shoes laced,

all dooms erased,

teeth white,

the clever people slide cleanly,

even their deaths are one-tenth deaths,

clever clever clever,

they have better walls,

better cars,

a better way to laugh.

even their nightmares are ringed with

tinsel,

these clever ones,

they sit across from you,

whitely smiling,

full of it,

even the hair on their head