“It’s hard to think about the future right now,” Ellie said gently. “I’ve got to keep my head in the game, you know?”

Cody nodded and flicked his gaze back up at the ceiling. He rubbed her back absently, Ellie seeing how the worry was tearing him up. And it tore her up, too, seeing how it ate at him.

“You don’t have to wait around for me,” Ellie said.

Cody stopped rubbing her back.

“It’s not fair, asking you to do this,” she said. “I don’t want you to suffer because of a decision I made.”

“And you think that’ll, what, just stop if we break up? Great plan.”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Then what are you saying? What aren’t you telling me?”

Ellie knew what she wanted to say, but she didn’t know how to put the words in the right order. She wanted to start by telling him how knowing that he was worrying about her would distract her. It was exhausting enough worrying about what was in front of her and guessing what was around the corner, and she wanted to tell him about today—not the particulars but how she had never felt more excited or alive, her life’s purpose so clearly defined.

Sharing this, though, would only hurt him, and he was hurting enough—hurting too much. Cody put up a great front, but what people didn’t know was that behind all that muscle was a sensitive guy who was in some ways still a boy. A boy who thought love lasted forever, that it was special and could weather any storm. Cody was like a pop song, eternally optimistic, a catchy tune that took you out of the darkening swell of your own thoughts and made you believe, if only for a few minutes, that there was a lot of good stuff in this world, and it was yours for the taking, but only if you had the courage to surrender your heart.

“Don’t shut me out,” Cody said. “Talk to me.”

Ellie didn’t want to get into it. She was emotionally and physically spent, and now that she had gotten what she wanted from him—his flesh and his strength and the bruises she was sure he had left on her limbs and hips—she wanted his solidarity. She wanted him to say, Yes, whatever you want to do or whatever you need is fine by me. I won’t ask questions or put any demands on you. I am here for you and I won’t ask anything from you, and I won’t tell you I’m scared or hurting.

She knew her thinking was naïve and childish. Selfish. But weren’t all wishes, hopes, and desires, when you got right down to it, childish and selfish?

“I love you,” Ellie said, hoping to put the matter to bed, at least for tonight. “That hasn’t changed.”

“But clearly something has changed.”

Ellie felt a spike of anger. It died quickly when she reminded herself that Cody was hurting because of her. She had caused this, and truthfully, wouldn’t she be feeling the same way if the shoe were on the other foot?