Wanting to heal would mean getting out of the survivor’s cycle, that coldly comforting space. Where one’s skills have been honed and sharpened to do precisely that: survive. And to get till here has been such a long, painful journey. Now, just when there is this odd sort of comfort, to leave it?

To exit; into the future?

No.

Too difficult.

Very frightening.

International therapists working with Child Sexual Abuse adult patients have realized that an adult identifying herself, or himself, as a survivor over any length of time can be as damaging. The child victim becomes a survivor through the process of developing defensive strategies which endeavour to protect her, or his, inner core. These defence mechanisms include repression, denial, detachment and dissociation; such defence mechanisms often result in the adult survivor not having access to memories of her, or his, sexual abuse. However, in adult life these once adaptive defences start creating problems of their own. Like nightmares, intrusive recollections of the event acting as if or feeling that the event is recurring, alternating with memory lapses, anxiety problems with relationships because of the earlier detachment, to name just a few.

Which is why specialists working on the subject of Child Sexual Abuse now strongly feel that an adult victim of Child Sexual Abuse should ‘grow up’ while healing. There should be renewal, and then the person should move on. To be identified as a complete person rather than as just a survivor or a victim of Child Sexual Abuse.

Here, from Recollecting Our Lives, Dr Shekhar Seshadri presents the exit cycle, or how to reclaim the self.

It is four steps to self-acceptance, an absolute resolution of all the consequences that stemmed from that sexual abuse in childhood. Adults reading this, who have been sexually abused in childhood, may feel free to start work on any of the four steps first, just please remember to work on all four aspects.

• Empowerment.

The sexual abuse was not my fault. I can shed the guilt and shame; they are his, not mine. I did the best I could as a child living under those conditions. I am remarkable for having endured that abuse and its consequences.

• Survival skills.

I can be myself to myself and others. These survival skills have helped me to survive. Now I can choose which ones to keep or change and which to put aside.

• Clarity.

I was sexually abused. I can separate out who I am from what I have thought and felt about myself because of being abused. I have personal rights. I have the right to set and enforce boundaries and limits. I trust my perceptions. I am much more than a sexual abuse survivor.

• Self-awareness.

I value and use my thoughts and feelings. I can make mistakes; everyone does. I can learn new things and be flexible. I appreciate myself.

And from these four of the exit cycle which reclaims the self, comes:

• Self acceptance.

I know myself. I like who I am. I respect myself for having gone through the abuse(s) of my childhood. I am strong and able to learn and change when I want or need to. I deserve to be loved and respected by others.