Which is why I separately address those who might be feeling re-victimized. If you are, I say this to you: please skip more than the first half of the book and go straight to the section where an exit cycle has been explained. In the earlier section there is a reference to the survivor’s cycle. A survivor of Child Sexual Abuse is one who has lived through an appalling experience in which her, and his, inner integrity has been sought to be destroyed. There has been a violation of such enormous proportions that it is only to be expected that the survivor’s automatic response will be protection. But please do not find this protection in remaining in the survivor’s cycle. Adults who were sexually abused in childhood are not just ‘survivors’, they have another far more complete adult identity as whole individuals; to introduce yourself as a ‘survivor’ of Child Sexual Abuse is to trap yourself in that vicious circle. So: read the exit cycle. My best wishes on its execution and your future life as a complete adult.

This book is for adults. But it is about children. Our children, and the child in each of us. The real child, and the child that is crying loudly inside the adult. Please help protect this child.

• PINKI VIRANI

Mumbaii

27 July 2000

Notebook One

Vaishali

Vaishali’s aayee is changing her diaper when the phone rings in the hall. She calls out to Uday, the boy-servant whom they have brought from their village to assist her in housework after she delivered Vaishali.

‘Uday, answer the phone.’

Vaishali’s aayee hears Uday moving from the kitchen to the hall, Uday is being of help even if he is slightly moody at times. Actually, she had wanted a girl from the village but her mother-in-law had said there were unmarried men in the house, her husband’s two brothers; and her mother-in-law felt the girl might try to act fresh with her sons. Seventeen-year-old Uday it was, vetted by her mother-in-law.

‘It is your mother,’ says Uday from the door of her bedroom.

‘Tell her I will call her back.’

Uday disappears and reappears. ‘She says it is important.’

Vaishali’s aayee puts the blue powder-puff she has just picked up back into its plastic container and loosely caps it. She quickly sets bolsters around Vaishali on the bed and tells Uday to keep an eye on her.

Vaishali’s aayee goes into the hall and picks up the receiver.

‘What is so important, aayee?’

‘We are fixing your brother’s marriage.’

‘Oh, this is good news, who is the girl?’

Vaishali’s aayee sits down on the sofa-cum-bed in the hall to listen to the details of her brother’s future bride, her family, the auspicious dates—these are right now because the next six months are inauspicious—the dowry they are willing to give this computer engineer boy, all the preparations which have to be quickly done, the people who have to be invited; the girl’s side will pay the expenses, of course, for the hall and dinner . . .