As a parent what you would definitely want to do when looking for a child psychiatrist or counsellor is first check whether the professional has comfortably handled a number of Child Sexual Abuse cases. The second, and this is equally important, whether the doctor is too busy; you cannot allow a situation where the doctor lines up his child-patients, makes them wait for long in a queue and then talks to your child for a few distracted minutes. The third, and perhaps this should have been the first point: whether the doctor avoids prescribing medicines as the first, or even the second, resort, and if he does, is he able to effectively explain his reasons to you.

The other points you need to observe as a parent taking a child for counselling: the professional should take seriously and respect the information communicated by you about your child; the professional ought to be flexible about enlisting you or your spouse, or both, as part of the treatment team, as observers and reporters on the response to the treatment; should you suggest a change in treatment, the counsellor should not react by feeling threatened with your views, in fact the mental health professional should encourage a dialogue so that you, yourself, feel less overwhelmed by the entire procedure of what is happening to your child and you.

There are some child psychiatrists and counsellors who encourage parent participation in the counselling; please do not assume that the mother of the child is the only choice at that time. Fathers have been known to shepherd the situation with more joviality and alacrity, thus helping the child swiftly.

What do you do if your child has been abused?

• do not panic or over-react to the information disclosed by the child
• do not criticize or blame the child, it would be unfair to say, ‘I told you not to do that!’
• do not say or do anything which will make the child feel guilty about the abuse
• support your child’s decision to speak out
• be sympathetic and supportive, this will help your child make additional disclosures and discuss his, her, feelings
• suppressed anger is the single greatest cause for distorted emotions after sexual abuse; do not hasten to get rid of any feeling of anger, it is a natural reaction to abuse; encourage the child to ventilate those feelings and help him, her, to channelise it in a positive manner
• do not minimize the magnitude of what has been done to your child
• a feeling of isolation is common after Child Sexual Abuse; encourage your child to participate as always in his, her, favourite games and activities
• do not make any false promises to your child
• consult a doctor to check for physical injuries if you think it necessary; do not take too long to get to the doctor, a child’s body heals quickly; get a written report from the doctor
• if the doctor’s report states physical injuries and you want to lodge a complaint at the police station, discuss it with your spouse thoroughly, and then explain it as simply as possible to the child
• as parents it may be complicated socially and emotionally to take a stand against the abuser, particularly if he is a family member; but it is still important for the parents to do it so as to reinforce the child’s understanding of wrong and right
• do not think that understanding the abuser will in any way help your child, it might just work to the contrary; you have to remain child focussed
• do not link apology with forgiveness; if the abuser says he is willing to apologize to the child, do not insist that the child forgive him
• stand by your child; do not re-victimize your child by getting into arguments with your family member who has sexually abused the child in front of it; families fall apart when such cases are disclosed, relationships between several families collapse as well, e.g. a father and his sister fall out when it is discovered that her husband has been sexually abusing the father’s child; do not be bitter about your family falling apart in front of the child as this will make the child feel responsible and guilty for the situation
• never imply that the child should forgive-and-forget the abuser in order to heal
• do not bring religion or religious figures into the picture; religion does not solve problems, if correctly absorbed, it can only help make human beings strong to solve their own problems; when adults are not mature enough to understand this, how can children?
• consider the need for counselling or a professionally-qualified child psychologist; remember to consult your child on the gender of the doctor, an abused male-child might not necessarily have a problem with talking to a male doctor
• if you decide to speak with the police, the child need not come to the police station with you to report the crime