And the more I don’t do it, the more awkward it becomes and the less I think that it will ever happen. And the less it happens, the more afraid I become that when it finally does, I’ll be terrible at it. It’s a vicious cycle. And don’t even get me started on sex—I’ve totally written that activity off. I can’t stand naked in front of the mirror myself, how on earth am I meant to get naked in front of someone else? No, I was probably going to die a virgin, or worse, I would have to find someone on those creepy websites for men who fantasize about feeding cake to fat women while the women slap them with their stomach folds. It’s strange how fat is either reviled or fetishized. There’s no middle ground for it in our society, is there? A place where fat can just exist as it is. Where it isn’t one thing or the other.

“Let’s go, let’s go. Go!” Zac pushed me toward the steep, rocky path at the bottom of the garden that led to the beach.

“Okay. Let’s go.” I held my hand out for him and this time he took it. I was just about to prep him gently for the fact that Jake and Lisa might not be coming when two figures appeared on the beach. He’d said he was coming, but honestly, I hadn’t quite believed him. Luckily for me, the small part that had believed him had convinced the part that hadn’t to change into something a little nicer, splash on some mascara, and smudge on some bronzer so I didn’t look so pale. I’m not a big fan of makeup—you would think I’d be good at it because I’m an artist, but I’m not. I tried to contour once with a NikkieTutorial. Let’s just say it didn’t end well.

“Look!” Zac jumped and almost threw himself down the steep path.

“Wait!” I grabbed him by his shirt before he plunged to the ground. Sometimes he’s got zero impulse control.

We walked down the path together, Zac pulling against me like a horse on a bit, as Lisa and Jake made their way along the beach. And then, as if both parties had timed it perfectly, we all arrived at the same spot at the exact same time.

“Um, h-hi,” I murmured awkwardly, although that hadn’t been the intention at all. I’d actually been hoping for a cool, disinterested kind of “hi.” The kind of “hi” that would give Jake the impression I was a girl about town, who’d seen and done things, was totally cool, comfortable with hanging out with the guys, and down for whatevs! Instead, my “hi” kind of screamed insecure, virgin girl.