“Really, Mom? Really? Is that what you got out of that statement?”

“Your Tinder profile says motivational speaker,” she continued.

“He is,” I barked. “He got bitten by a shark or some crap and wrote a book. I have a copy if you want to borrow it. . . . It’s autographed,” I said sarcastically.

My mom buried her head in her hands, and I wondered if this is what my dad had done all those years ago when my mom had caught him in the hot tub. God, my family was dysfunctional. We hadn’t always been this way. I’m sure we were happy and normal once, but that seemed so long ago that maybe I’d just imagined it.

“Lori, I didn’t know that he worked at your school, if I had I would never have—”

“That is such crap, Mom! Of course you would have. Because you don’t care about anyone else but yourself. If Xander over there”—I pointed—“had been carrying blue and white BWH pom-poms and wearing a shirt that read ‘Bay Water High’ I doubt you would have been put off. Seriously.” I turned around and held my head. “And here I thought you were trying to be a real mom again . . .” I stopped talking as something painful dawned on me. “Oh, wait. This is why you told me to go out. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you and what you wanted.”

There was a pause. A strange beat and then Xander started climbing out of the water.

“Oh no.” I averted my eyes, I didn’t want to see him in his swimsuit.

“Lori, I understand you must be feeling very confused, and even angry right now. Those are very, very real emotions and I’m sure—”

“Don’t.” I pointed a finger at him. “Don’t do that. I have my own psychologist.”

“You know, when that shark bit me at first I felt totally traumatized.”

I threw my arms in the air. “Will you shut up about the bloody shark!”

“Everyone has a shark in their life, Lori, and we all have to overcome its bite.”

“What the hell?” I screamed out at the universe. “Has the world gone mad?”

My mother stood up now. “I’m allowed to date, Lori. I am a sensual woman in my prime and I—”

“No!” I held my hand up to stop her talking. “Don’t go there. Please!”

“There is nothing to be ashamed about, having a healthy sexu—”

“La-la-la!” I put my hands over my ears. I didn’t want to know about my mother’s sex life. Ever. I would rather hell froze over.

“Lori!” she shouted. “I’m trying to talk to you.” She paused and eyed me up and down. “Besides, look at you, you’re sopping wet. Maybe I should ask what you’ve been up to?”