I remember my arm hurt. Bad. Jordyn pushed me down after I grabbed her backpack. I was so tired of her bullying and teasing and tricks. She made me so mad saying that Joseph wasn’t real. That it was all one big joke. We heard something then. Footsteps or maybe just the wind.

I hoped it was Joseph coming for me like he promised. I looked around but I couldn’t see him. Jordyn and Violet had run away and I saw the knife on the ground at my feet. Jordyn must have dropped it. For a second I wanted to find Jordyn and use the knife on her, I hated her so much.

Then I saw someone in the tall grass. I thought it was Joseph but they told me later I was wrong. They told me it was Gabe Shannon and that he was in on the prank. I can’t believe I ever liked him. But at the time I believed he was Joseph and thought he was going to leave without me. I couldn’t stand it. After all the messages and promises I thought Wither was going to leave me behind and never come back. And worst of all I thought he was going to take Jordyn instead.

I tried to follow him but he sprinted away from me and in that second I thought that nothing mattered anymore. I was going to be stuck here in Pitch forever. Our messages back and forth meant nothing. His letters meant nothing. He never loved me.

I don’t really understand what happened next but it was like I was outside my body. Numb. Like I rose up above myself. That happens to me sometimes when things get too hard, when life doesn’t make sense.

I took the knife and shoved it into my stomach. The pain was terrible and the blood pumped out but I wouldn’t die. I was still there. I couldn’t bear to stab myself again and I prayed for the train to come and run me over but it didn’t. So instead I banged my face and head against the railroad tracks just wanting the world to go black. And I watched it all from above myself.

Dr. Kim tells me it’s called depersonalization and I tell him that I call it being crazy.

The first time I was in the psych ward was after I tried to pull out all my stitches. It was in Grayling and I stayed there for about a month. One girl I met on the floor said that most kids get kicked out after a few days and I must be pretty crazy to have been there that long. The second time I ended up having to go all the way to a hospital in Des Moines because no other place had open beds.