July 21, 9:01 PM

BookshopGirl: Okay, I’ve got a major whammy of a bookish pet peeve today. Ready?

RJ.Reads: Always.

BookshopGirl: All the bizarre and disturbing descriptions of sex in romance novels.

RJ.Reads: Um…disturbing? More details, please.

BookshopGirl: I’m reading a whole bunch of romances to prep for an event. And I keep asking myself why we need so many euphemisms for penis? Why? WHY? Dick, cock—okay, fine, utilitarian if not terribly creative. But then we get throbbing member, velvet-wrapped steel, hungry rod of lust, thrusting sword of desire?

RJ.Reads: So you’d prefer anatomically correct terms? Just plain old penis?

BookshopGirl: I’d prefer not to hear about any of it. And don’t even get me started on words for the female anatomy. We don’t even get a nice, sturdy word like “cock”—we get pussy and cunt, which just rub me wrong.

RJ.Reads: Definitely don’t want to rub those wrong.

BookshopGirl: And then there’s all the euphemisms. Like “slippery tunnel of heat” and “slick pearl of desire” and “moist folds.”

RJ.Reads: You’d rather the folds be dry?

BookshopGirl: I NEVER WANT TO READ ABOUT FOLDS.

RJ.Reads: I hate to say this, but…are you…a prude?

BookshopGirl: No. I’m perfectly comfortable with my sexuality. Anyway, my issue isn’t just the body parts. It’s the noise level. Why is everyone always moaning and groaning and grunting and screaming?

RJ.Reads: I assume because they’re experiencing intense pleasure.

BookshopGirl: Yes, but screaming? Anyone who is THAT loud during sex is faking it. I don’t think I’ve ever made anything more than a deep sigh.

RJ.Reads: A deep SIGH? I’m starting to worry that you’ve had extremely mediocre sex. Not to toot my own horn (how’s that for a euphemism?) but plenty of my partners have been loud.

BookshopGirl: And I hate to break it to YOU, but they were probably faking it. Which brings me to my next point: What’s with all these men in romance novels who are thrilled to go down on women for a ridiculously long amount of time? Have these authors ever been with a straight man? Because they’re doing the bare minimum down there before moving on to what they really want.

RJ.Reads: There are men who enjoy that, you know. Some men love it. It’s their favorite part of the whole experience.

BookshopGirl: Eh, I think that’s a myth. Like the Loch Ness Monster. People swear they’ve seen it but there’s no objective evidence. Like all the so-called photos of Nessie that end up being an oversized eel.

RJ.Reads: There’s a sex joke somewhere in there but I feel like now’s not the time.

BookshopGirl: Or an underutilized euphemism in romance novels. “His oversized eel slithered in…” Never mind.

RJ.Reads: Gross. That’s worse than the moist folds.

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Josie