LIAM

See?

MELODY

You did that on purpose.

LIAM

That’s not the point. And I am choking on her hair. Is anybody else choking on her hair?

MELODY

No.

LIAM

You can see the strands just like, hanging in the air like pollution. She’s like a dog. It seriously, it’s like having a dog in the house.

JONAH

Can you keep your—

LIAM

Daphna? You’re shedding again! Fucking “Daphna.” Can we just— Her name is Diana. Diana. I know she wishes she were this like barbed wire hopping, Uzi-toting Israeli warlock superhero: Daphna; but actually, Diana Feygenbaum grew up in Schnecksville, Pennsylvania, in an armpit town doing swim team badly and hysterically sobbing when she didn’t get picked to be cheerleader, in her closet, with the door closed— that’s a true story, by the way, and her screenname, when we were younger, her like AIM screenname, ok, was PrincessDiana88. She’s as Israeli as Martin van fucking Buren, but she thinks because our grandfather survived the Holocaust and because her disgustingly hideous hair probably grows the same as it did for all the other women in the history of our family who actually suffered, that somehow means she’s suffered too, but the truth is, PrincessDiana88 has suffered about as much as, as, as this fucking, this pillow.

MELODY

Are you done?

LIAM

No! I’m not done. Why is everyone— I’m not saying anything that isn’t true. Why is everyone pretending like Daphna is like, this like, lovely, gorgeous, big-hearted girl? Uhm, she’s not. You want to play pretend, you play pretend, but I’m done. I am fucking done fucking pretending, because the truth is, I am horrified. She is horrifying. Just listen to her, every other word that comes out of her mouth is some unbelievably offensive insult that we’re supposed to pretend not to hear? I’m not deaf. And the most offensive thing of all, do you want to know the most—

JONAH

Not really.

LIAM

The most astonishingly offensive thing of all is the fact that she actually believes, in her heart of hearts, she is the only one Poppy meant something to. Because she’s like, Super Jew. But you know what? Jonah and I lost our grandfather too. Our grandfather. But to her, she can’t even fathom that I have things too that I remember? That I did with Poppy? That I remember? That …

Beat. (Sincere emotion; breath; back to business.)