Raymond    Charles sounds more dignified. Yes, I’ll call you Charles. Charlie sounds common. There’s far too much bastardisation of our language going on, don’t you think?

Bert (asleep, shouting)     NO!

Charles and Raymond stare at Bert. Raymond shakes his head and goes to the chest of drawers and unpacks his case. Charles stands with him.

Charles    Jolly good storyplay.

Raymond    I prefer the book.

Charles    You prefer the book?

Raymond    The storyplay has been adapted from a book. You didn’t know that?

Charles    A book, no.

Raymond    Yes.

Charles    Which book? From which book has it been . . . ah . . .

Raymond (sighing)      The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Charles    Oh.

Raymond    Yes. Very popular.

Charles    I see, I see, they’ve simply abandoned the ‘wonderful’?

Raymond    Quite . . . Is this your first ‘acting’ role?

Charles    Yes, well, no, I mean, I had a small part in an amateur production of A Midsummer’s Night Dream in Deptford. It got cancelled after the second night and I think it was a very amateur production.

Raymond    Amateur?

Charles    I think so. Nobody was paid.

Raymond    I toured extensively with Richard III.

Charles    Really?

Raymond    Mmm, extensively.

Charles    Whom did you – did you play?

Raymond    Richard of course.

Charles    Richard, right . . . Wasn’t he a hunchback?

Raymond closes the drawer and heads off towards the bathroom.

Raymond    Not just a hunchback, not simply a hunchback.

Charles    I’m not familiar, but I recall him being a hunchback.

Raymond    Quite, he was, but he was much more besides. He was much more than a hunchback.

Charles    There’s no paper in there, Mr Benedict-Porter.

Raymond    No paper?

Charles    No, no paper, Mr Kowal—

Raymond    Why do you assume I need to evacuate my bowels? Do I look like I’m in need of a bowel movement?

Charles    No, no, I just –

Raymond    Not that I’m not regular, you understand, on the contrary. Nothing wrong with my bowel movements: like clockwork. Are you a sufferer?

Charles     Sufferer?

Raymond    Constipation . . . do you get ‘bunged up’, dear boy?

Charles    Um.

Raymond    Just say if you do, nothing to be ashamed of, just speak out if you do because I’ve a cure for constipation if you’re a sufferer. Very simple cure, just say if you’re –

Charles    No, no, no, I’m – I’m not a sufferer. I don’t – no, not constipation. I’ve a friend though, a friend who’s a
. . . I suppose you could call him a sufferer.

Raymond    I can’t help him: your friend. It’s a hands-on cure, very simple. It involves freeing up the colonic passage. Takes no time at all. Very common among small people. Yes, a common complaint I suppose you could call it, but I’m afraid I can’t help your friend though, hands on, you understand? I take it your friend’s back in England?

Charles    Yes, yes he’s still there. I think he’s still in England.

Raymond    London?

Charles    Yes . . .