Raymond (looking him over)     Hmm . . . all good and well, but you should attempt to keep up a satisfactory level of fitness. A film set can be a demanding environment, physically and mentally. Healthy body, healthy mind. (Looks across at Bert.) So it’s Bert, eh . . . Bert Kowalski?

Charles    That’s right. Bert Kowalski. Do you know him?

Raymond    No, Bert Kowalski doesn’t ring any bells. Might not be his real name though. Did he claim to be an actor?

Charles    Um, I don’t think so . . . he does use very coarse language though.

Raymond    He does? Really? How coarse? How coarse are we talking?

Charles    Oh it’s very –

Raymond    Profanities?

Charles    Pro—

Raymond    He’s profane?

Charles    Ah, I wouldn’t know, I can’t really say, but he uses very coarse words. Very vulgar for a short man with a bronchial complaint. I think we got off on the wrong –

Raymond puts down the barbells. He gets his breath then starts another routine.

Raymond    Very coarse language, eh? Could be a thesp, could well be a thesp.

Charles    An actor?

Raymond    Could be, wouldn’t be unheard of if he were.

Charles    I don’t know, but it could be his, you know, it could be his condition. His bronchitis, I’m only assuming but . . . well, I mean you never know, do you?

Raymond    If he is indeed profane there could well be a reason behind it.

Charles    Yes?

Raymond    Oh yes. Oh yes indeed, but we’d only be guessing and guessing games invariably lead to confusion. My experience . . .

Raymond drops the weights and rolls them under his bed.

Charles    Yes?

Raymond    Yes, it can lead to confusion.

Pause.

Charles    Probably best not guessing then –

Raymond    Quite.

Charles    You’re right. I probably shouldn’t guess.

Raymond    Wise, wise of you because it makes sense, in the long run in my experience, it makes sense. You’re a very wise . . . (Pause as he looks Bert over.) Cunt.

Charles    I beg your –

Raymond    Did he use the C word? Very emotive word, cunt . . . a lot of thesps use it. Lionel Merryweather can be relied upon to pepper any conversation with a cunt or two . . . very emotive word. It’s in the dictionary, you know?

Charles    Oh . . . ah –

Raymond    You didn’t know?

Charles    . . . mmm . . .

Raymond    It’s of Teutonic origin of course. Very emotive. I’m an admirer of emotive words. Being an actor, you understand . . . my tools: emotive words. Being an actor you need sharp precise tools. Cunt is a great tool. I’m more fond of it than, I don’t know, say for instance ‘fuck’ off the top of my head . . . fuck is losing its resonance if you want my opinion. Far too common a curse: fuck. Very rare you hear hoi polloi employing cunts in their limited vocabularies. At least here. I wouldn’t know about England.

Charles    Oh, ah, well, my mother always says –