Sam shook her head. “I’m through making the choice of who deserves to live and die. It takes too much out of you. I want to build something. I want to nurture things.”

She saw him draw a breath. She kept going. Things needed to be said.

“Sometimes, though, I do blame you, Kade,” She said. “I blame you to hell for putting that back door in there.”

Kill them all, Shiva Prasad whispered in her brain. She was sweating. She was trembling. Kade was trembling in front of her.

“But…” she forced herself to press on, shaking her head. “I don’t know that I would have done a damn thing different.”

She looked down, looked at her own hands, clenched and unclenched them. She’d wanted that back door. She’d wanted to rip open the brain of the soldier who’d killed Jake, wanted to learn every goddamn thing he knew.

Move past that. Back to the thread.

She looked back up at Kade.

“I’m glad Nexus exists.” She said. “I’m glad you put it out there. Even after everything. I think the world’s better this way.” She swallowed. “What happened to me was evil. But evil’s always happened, long before Nexus. There’s good now too. The damage is in my head. I’ll beat it.”

Kade smiled sadly. He spoke softly, gently. “Why don’t you accept some medical help with that?”

Sam nodded. “At this stage, after the trauma has set in. The protocols here are memory malleability drugs plus psychotherapy. I’d be letting one of their shrinks into my head, in a situation where they could literally rewire me.” She shook her head. “I can beat it on my own. It’ll take longer. But I can.”

Kade shook his head. “Why, Sam? Why not let them help you?”

Sam laughed. “Because I don’t trust them, Kade. I’m grateful, but I don’t trust them.”

Kade frowned, searching for the right words. Looking for some way to tell her she was being paranoid.

He didn’t get it. He didn’t really know the level this game was played at.

“If Kevin Nakamura were here now…” she paused. Kevin. Oh, Kevin. “He’d want you to understand. The Indians? You’re still just a tool to them. You, me, Feng, the kids. We’re pawns. They’ll use us. They’ll sacrifice us if it furthers their goals.” She stared hard into his eyes. “Don’t forget that.”

Kade shook his head, closing off to her. “I don’t think it’s that simple. We’re using each other. That’s what cooperation means.”

Was I ever this naïve? Sam wondered. I guess I was once. When I had a family, when I had a normal life.