“She was fourteen, J. Younger than I am now.” My lip trembles as I trace the edges of the box. “She wasn’t old enough to make that kind of decision. I know things happen sometimes… but not at that age.” I sniffle. “What if…he hurt her? Like not just statutory rape but actual rape. Oh my God, James, what if I’m the product of something violent?” It comes out of nowhere, but before I can stop myself I have the door pushed open and I’m throwing up on the pavement outside depositing everything I’ve eaten today all over the ground. I fall out of the car and before my knees can hit the pavement, his arms are around me. He pulls me away from the throw up and holds me in his arms as I begin to cry in his arms rocking me back and forth as I sob into his chest, feeling like I’m releasing sixteen years worth of demons.

“I’m so sorry, Gab,” I hear him whisper. He continues to apologize and tell me how much he and everyone loves me and everything will be okay. He pulls my face away to look at me and wipes the tears from my eyes. “There she is.” He lets out a breath and I can actually see his eyes are a bit glassy as well. “It tears me up to hear you cry like that.”

“Sorry.”

“You of all people have nothing to be sorry about.” He presses his lips to my forehead. I don’t know how long we stay like that on the side of the road, me holding onto him like he’s my lifeline. I’m not sure if I blacked out or cried myself to sleep because the next time I wake up, I’m in the hotel room on my bed. I sit up and I see James passed out on the couch in the corner of the room snoring softly. My dad and him had the room next door but I know James well enough to know he probably wouldn’t let me out of his sight until we were back in Connecticut.

Present Day

It took me a whole year to get over the damage that one ten minute conversation did to me. And I still have moments where those feelings come back in full force. I had periods of depression and self loathing. Moments where I thought I was made out of hate. Moments where I thought the darkness of my conception would swallow me whole. Moments where I wanted to be anyone but me. But in those moments of darkness, James was the light that pulled me out of it.

I hadn’t realized I was crying when I feel James’ hands on my face. “Baby, I’m sorry I took you back to that.” His thumbs find the space beneath my eyes as he wipes away the tears.